Post Mother's Day blues

[bacarver]

Once again, I'm glad yesterday is over. I know I'm not the only one. I am thankful for the good 25 mile ride on my Trek 1500 yesterday and for my one-to-one time with the dogs and cats at the local animal shelter, but I can't help but feel down in the dumps because my situation doesn't allow me to celebrate Mother's Day the way it is "intended". My mother stepped out of my life when I married 18 years ago. My two adopted children never accepted me and they have been gone for years. Two of my co-workers asked me on May 12th, "Why don't you want to have kids?" How do you respond to such a painfully intrusive question?! The grief is bad enough without being judged as a defective outsider because you don't have kids. Please be more sensitive when fishing for information to satisfy curiosity. So, once again this year, I have revisited the sadness and the pain of my situation and my choices. I resent the pressure created by the media and by those around me who remind me every year that I don't have what I'm supposed to have according to their standards.
I feel for those who suffer silently and privately on Mother's Day. Your situations are just as important. Your feelings are valid. The good you do matters to the universe 365 days a year.
Thank you for listening.
This forum gives me the opportunity today to share how I feel. I have to share with others in order to move forward. I am happy the majority of the time and I want to return to my pre-May 12th state.
Barb

[Pax]

I'm sorry you're feeling down, I love my mom and am thrilled that we have the relationship we do, that said I prefer to think of mothers day as a day to celebrate all women. Whether or not we choose to parent.

In a similar vein I feel sad and a little depressed whenever my co-workers (and of course society at large) make a huge fuss over engagements and weddings, my 17+ year relationship is completely unrecognized.

[mimitabby]

bacarver, i am sorry about your family.

I wished my niece (an unwed mother of a 5 year old) happy mother's day and she got very hostile. She said there didn't need to be a day for mothers, if you appreciate your mother you should show it every day not just once a year.
I was really taken aback by her hostility; i wondered what she will do when her little daughter comes home with a brightly colored handmade mother's day card :confused: it sounded like the tot will get damaged as well.
Sad.

All I can say is; while people are still alive, you have a chance to mend the broken relationships. Once they're dead, it's too late. Good luck.

[Jenn]

{{{HUGS}}}}, there is nothing that can be said to help your pain, I'm so sorry. Just know, this is a wonderful site, these women are AWESOME and you can talk and vent...we are here {{{{{{HUGS}}}}
Jenn

[northstar]

It's a really emotional day, isn't it? For me, it's the fact that I've been wanting to be a mother for quite some time but haven't been able to do so. So, DH and I have finally decided to embrace our infertility crud and live it up while we can. Not that it's easy to do so every day!

[silver]

Hi Barb!!!!!

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with these difficulties. You are such a kind and caring person! It was such a pleasure to meet you!!

I hope that you are getting lots of riding and dog and cat love to cheer you up!!! Is your wrist all recovered?

take care!!!!!

[divingbiker]

Once again, I'm glad yesterday is over. I know I'm not the only one. ...I feel for those who suffer silently and privately on Mother's Day.

Mother's Day sucks. My mom died when I was 15, in a not very pleasant way. I really hate all the newspaper articles and tv reports about fantastic mother-daughter relationships that lead up to Mother's Day. I'm happy for people who have those relationships, but hearing about them is like rubbing salt in a wound.

I, too, am glad it's over. Sorry you've got the blues, Barb, but we've got another year till it comes around again.

[Nokomis]

Barb - **Hugs** thanks for posting this. You aren't alone.


It's a really emotional day, isn't it? For me, it's the fact that I've been wanting to be a mother for quite some time but haven't been able to do so. So, DH and I have finally decided to embrace our infertility crud and live it up while we can. Not that it's easy to do so every day!

Ditto that... but still trying to leave behind the sadness & anger - we reached this decision a few months ago.

[bacarver]

I feel some of the weight lifting from my shoulders. Thank you for responding and caring.
Queen - I agree with the comment that all women should be appreciated and not just those with children.
Mimitabby - I made the first move and re-connected with my brother this past December after years of silence. It is going well. My mother still refuses to communicate with me. Your niece's hostility shows that she has a lot of angry internal dialogue going on that just spills over. I do believe that any positive interaction you have with her daughter will be the influence that makes a difference. Good for you to be a kind person in her life.
Northstar - Eighteen years ago at age 29, one of the conditions of marriage to my older husband was no birth kids. The adoption experience was a trip to hell. I gave up the ability to have my own and the decision haunts me as the years pass. How do you live with the "What if" question that is never answered? I do have more freedom, but I would have given my all to a child.
Silver - I'm approaching 300 miles. May not sound like much but working nights limits my riding time. I am ahead of last year's mileage which makes me happy. I love volunteering at the new animal shelter. I have become close to a cat that was terribly neglected. I named him "Song" and he is turning into a happy cat. He is good medicine for me. I've also spent time with a couple adorable golden pups that were very neglected/sick. They are learning to play and act like puppies should. My wrist is doing better. It has improved the most once I quit going for "therapy".
Divingbiker - I'm with you in spirit. I appreciate you wherever you are and for the good things you are doing today to make the world a better place.

Thank you, forum buddies. Thank you.
Barb

[indysteel]

Barb, big hug. I'm sorry that yesterday was hard on you. I've had a conflicted and painful relationship with my mom for a long, long time. It's gotten better over the last couple of years, but I still know better than to expect much from her. So, I know that side of what you're going through. It's always felt rather disengenous to celebrate her. Even just picking out a card is rough for me. Some of them express sentiments that I just can't sign off on. Since I'm single, almost 38 and childless, I'm familiar too with feeling left out in that regard. Thankfully, I'm pretty much at peace with the idea of not being a mom, but I sometimes feel like an alien creature around any type of family holiday.

No matter what, you deserve to be celebrated. We all do.

K-

[7rider]

Mother's Day
Father's Day
Valentine's Day
(more?)
Why are there these "invented" holidays - created merely to sell cards and make many of us feel left out and miserable?
Chin up, please. I know it's hard. Please don't use some day on a calendar to beat yourself up.
You're doing great and you belong. You belong here. You belong at the shelter helping those poor animals. And we're all better for it.
((hugs))
SMILE! :)

[Thistle]

(((( bacarver)))))

my husband and i do it tough on mother's day too. we're really glad it's over.

take care.

[mimitabby]

Mother's Day
Father's Day
Valentine's Day
(more?)
Why are there these "invented" holidays - created merely to sell cards and make many of us feel left out and miserable?
Chin up, please. I know it's hard. Please don't use some day on a calendar to beat yourself up.
You're doing great and you belong. You belong here. You belong at the shelter helping those poor animals. And we're all better for it.
((hugs))
SMILE! :)

Hey Regina, they're all made up holidays! Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's ...
and because we're expected to make merry and hang out with family... if your family is broken, it's really hard on you.

[7rider]

Agreed.

[IntenseRide]

I am so glad I got on today to read this thread! Yesterday was hell for me also, and my heart goes out to all of you. I couldn't call my mother yesterday because I just didn't want to hear her voice and that aweful way she makes me feel. I've felt that way for weeks before Mother's Day, wondering what to do. The last time I spoke with her she told me I was no longer her daughter. I've heard that too many times during my life, so I figured why bother anymore? I've done everything I was supposed to do, or what 'they' say a woman is supposed to do in life, and now I've realized that life is short and precious and the conventional just doesn't do it for me. Bitter people are just that, even if they happen to be your mother, and I've learned to stay away from poison people. I wonder if any of you look back on your lives and wonder how people get the way they are? Or did God put people like that on earth to serve as an example of what not to be? I know that my daughter will never suffer the way I did. And...she had a very nice mountainbike (I was not allowed to ride and I never had a bike until I was 39). Thanks for the great posts here, I was nodding my head a zillion times, right down to not being able to pick a card out because nothing fit! Peace everyone...

[mimitabby]

I am so glad I got on today to read this thread! Yesterday was hell for me also, and my heart goes out to all of you. I couldn't call my mother yesterday because I just didn't want to hear her voice and that aweful way she makes me feel. I've felt that way for weeks before Mother's Day, wondering what to do. The last time I spoke with her she told me I was no longer her daughter. I've heard that too many times during my life, so I figured why bother anymore? I've done everything I was supposed to do, or what 'they' say a woman is supposed to do in life, and now I've realized that life is short and precious and the conventional just doesn't do it for me. Bitter people are just that, even if they happen to be your mother, and I've learned to stay away from poison people. I wonder if any of you look back on your lives and wonder how people get the way they are? Or did God put people like that on earth to serve as an example of what not to be? I know that my daughter will never suffer the way I did. And...she had a very nice mountainbike (I was not allowed to ride and I never had a bike until I was 39). Thanks for the great posts here, I was nodding my head a zillion times, right down to not being able to pick a card out because nothing fit! Peace everyone...

INtense, you sound just like my cousin. My cousin is the sweetest lady, she's in her 60's now and her mother, my ancient old battleaxe aunt is ALWAYS saying nasty things about her and whenever my cousin calls her, she gets
it right in the face.
My cousin, no matter what she does or says makes her mother mad. and her mother tells everyone what she thinks. Age does NOT improve some people.
I just hope my cousin can outlive her mother just so she can heal a little from all the guilt her mother lays on her.

[LBTC]

I'm glad to have found this thread too. Intense, your mom and mine sound a lot alike. The difference is, it's been years since I've tried to make peace with her. I decided a long time ago, whether right or wrong, that life is too short to deal with the anxiety, stress, guilt, etc, etc, of pretending to get along with poisonous people, even if they are family.

The last card that I got her on mother's day said "because it's mother's day, because you're you". I don't think I wrote anything in it besides signing it.

One thing she taught me without reservation is to never appear to condone something if you really don't. Well, I try to be more accepting of just about everyone, but she is the one who taught me the lesson, so I'd best practice it perfectly when it comes to her. I don't condone her behaviour, so I will not be party to it. And that's all there is to it.

Generally speaking, I don't think about my blood family much; my family is made up of the sisters here, and my dearest friends, and, of course, my fur kids past and present.

Happy 'your' day! May it be loaded with butterflies,

Hugs,
~T~

[uforgot]

Unfortunately, with a toxic parent/child relationship, it can affect other important areas in your life without your realizing it. Your choice for a spouse, self-esteem, how you allow others to treat you, career choice...so many. There are some really good books out there. If you had Controlling parents and Toxic Parents are just a few. I found that reading these helped. Amazon has a good selection with reviews and links. Believe me, outliving the parents doesn't make those feelings magically go away. They are with you until you learn to make peace with your past and yourself, because you certainly aren't going to make peace with THEM!

[Laterider21958]

I have heard of some people who have decided to do their own thing on Mother's Day. Some of them are mothers with children living far away, some have no living mothers and some are not mothers themselves. They get together for an afternoon tea and chat (about anything and everything). Apparently, they started off with afternoon tea and then quickly decided just tea or coffee didn't make the grade. They are now into "other" beverages and have a jolly good time.

Somebody mentioned the cards that are floating around now. I feel it is so commercial. Cards are probably good to send to people you know you won't be able to wish them a happy day in person, but I feel that if you are going to see them on their special day, why not say the words and save the trees. And while on the subject, wrapping paper is pretty useless too. I have used tea towels to wrap gifts - at least they are useful after.;)

[pooks]

Perhaps we need to reclaim Mother's Day?

http://womenshistory.about.com/od/howejwriting/a/mothers_day.htm

"In 1870, Julia Ward Howe took on a new issue and a new cause. Distressed by her experience of the realities of war, determined that peace was one of the two most important causes of the world (the other being equality in its many forms) and seeing war arise again in the world in the Franco-Prussian War, she called in 1870 for women to rise up and oppose war in all its forms. She wanted women to come together across national lines, to recognize what we hold in common above what divides us, and commit to finding peaceful resolutions to conflicts. She issued a Declaration, hoping to gather together women in a congress of action."

It wasn't invented to for cards and flowers but for action. Note that even though she called it Mother's Day, Julia Ward Howe (who also wrote the lyrics to The Battle Hymn of the Republic) aimed Mother's Day at all women:

Mother's Day Proclamation of 1870

Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the voice of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe our dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God -
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

We have a year to do it.

[bacarver]

I knew the other day when I started this thread that it would benefit me. I needed validation. I needed to communicate with others who can relate. I feel less alone, and I feel the support offered in a multitude of directions to many of you out there who are living variations of this struggle with the "Mom" thing. I have no idea what my mother's problem is. I think she has a personality disorder + decision to be angry and negative 24/7 + serious control issues. I have no comprehension of what a loving mother is like. No one else has ever been this for me. This is one reason I volunteer at the animal shelter. I can give my love and energy and resources to cats and dogs that gladly absorb it without judging me. My mother is too toxic for me to be around. She spewed hate at me till I said, "Enough!" I know I am a positive being. I just need constant reassurance from outside sources because I am always running low on my own inner reserves. I am 47 today. The older I get, the greater the awareness becomes bit by bit.
Make a positive contribution to those around you today.
Barb

[Bikingmomof3]

I'm glad to have found this thread too. Intense, your mom and mine sound a lot alike. The difference is, it's been years since I've tried to make peace with her. I decided a long time ago, whether right or wrong, that life is too short to deal with the anxiety, stress, guilt, etc, etc, of pretending to get along with poisonous people, even if they are family.

Generally speaking, I don't think about my blood family much; my family is made up of the sisters here, and my dearest friends, and, of course, my fur kids past and present.

Hugs,
~T~

Teresa,
You pretty much summed up my "relationship" with my blood family. Oh I have long ago given up on even trying with my mother. I am no longer angry/hurt/bitter/sad the list could go on and on. I realised as long as I felt these things she still was controlling me and how I felt. She will not change, she does not see a problem. So I moved on, began my own family and I did learn the type of parent I did not want to be. See, my mom did teach me something.

[IntenseRide]

I have no comprehension of what a loving mother is like.
My mother is too toxic for me to be around.
I know I am a positive being. I just need constant reassurance from outside sources because I am always running low on my own inner reserves.
Barb


You just wrote this for me. While I was growing up I thought it was normal to be ignored and then controlled and constantly punished. I over-achieved in school with a perfect 4.0 the entire way through to college. I played in 4 team sports and 3 school clubs and won artistic and academic awards. Nothing was ever noticed. I never remember my mother saying "I love you". She never attended anything I was a part of. I've been married 22 years and have two children and she has seen them only a handful of times. This from a woman who is financially extremely well-off. Never a call or note on my anniversaries or Mother's Day and my birthdays, its my father calling! The damage is done and there is this need for constant reassurance because you feel inadequate, but you can't figure out why. There are many books written on the subject, I've read a few and they help. But it still hurts deeply like nothing else, this rejection from the very thing that is meant to show love. So like a lot of you above, you HAVE to protect yourself and move on, even when you feel you are doing something wrong and the guilt hits hard. I felt like sending flowers to my Mom for not calling her, with a note of 'sorry I forgot' but after reading all of this I realize that people are going to treat you pretty much the way you allow them to. Thanks to all of you, especially Barb for starting this post. Mimi, LBTC and UForgot, thank you so much for your support.

Nita

[crazybikinchic]

My situation is a little different. I am a Mom. My daughter passed away 6 years ago. I hate going to church and they ask the Mother's to stand to be recognized. Do I stand or not? I tried last year and ended up in the bathroom crying. I don't feel like a Mom. I opted to not go to church on Sunday, I went with DH to work instead. I feel bad because I have an awesome Mom, and I am unable to make the day special for her because it hurts me so much. Thank you all for helping me to realize that I am not the only one that hates that day.

[mimitabby]

hey crazybikechick, you'll ALWAYS be a mom! don't let ANYONE take that from you!

[Zen]

Pooks, you are a literary treasure trove.

[crazycanuck]

I've been pondering responding to this post but then felt bad about wether or not it would create further sadness.

I have to say Mother's day doesn't mean much as do the other holidays. I have a wonderful Mom & call her every couple of weeks not just on Mother's day. We email & call as often as we can even if there is a time difference.

As a teen I thought my parents were uncool but my friends told me otherwise. It wasn't until years later that I caught up with many of my school friends from base & realized how good a mom I really have.

I guess what i'm trying to say is, although there may be sadness in this thread, there's one chickie who's proud of having the mom she does.

Tanks

C

[LBTC]

Jen, sometimes friendships start and we don't even realize all the ways we are connected! Too bad you're just not down the street so we can visit over a glass of wine!

I'll email more soon.

Here's to all you ladies who are shut out of mother's day for whatever reason. We are not alone.

And here's to all of you ladies who can celebrate the day, your mom, your kids and all that is involved with being a mom, too.

Don't let what other people think or say change who you are or what you do. You are beautiful.

Hugs and big encouraging, reassuring, comforting, accepting, unconditional butterflies,
~T~

[Bikingmomof3]

crazybikechick,
Mimi said it best, you will ALWAYS be a mom!! Never let someone make you feel as though you are not. *hugs*