Balancing career, parenting, chores, cycling..

[LadyinWhite]

How do we do it? I often sit in awe reading about these long rides taken and I ask myself "How do they find the time?"

Today:

Up at 6 - Take care of job related paper work, get the princess off to school, confirm tonight's little league game with DH, start laundry.

Realize the boy's too sick to go to school, medicate him and get him settled in for the morning. Make a couple of business calls, move the laundry around (washer to dryer, dryer to basket)

Head out for a ride - a rolling 22 mile loop.

Stop back at home to check on the boy, return a couple of business calls. Make sure all is well, head out for a ride - a flat straight shot out to the ocean and back (22 miles)

Get home, feed the boy, move the laundry, shower, grab the boy and head out to run errands before the princess gets home and Mom's taxi opens for business.

I'm riding in the Tour de Cure on June 2. I'm trying to get out on my bike every chance I get to get some miles under me. I'm telling you ladies - I don't know HOW you do it. After work, by the end of the day after dinner, chores, errands and parenting I'm exhausted and in bed by 10. Tomorrow I'm teaching 8 - 3 then 5 - 8pm.

Weekends are filled to the brim with Little League, traveling baseball, in law visits, chores, errands, take the princess here, pick her up from there. If I can squeeze a 90 min ride out it's a miracle and even then my cell is bound to go off at least once while I'm out there. (I almost never ride on the weekends)

If it wasn't for this June 2 ride coming up, I probably wouldn't care. Being a wife and mom, holding down a job, these are all things I love and embrace in my life and am more than happy to invest the time to do well- but with this ride coming up, I'm starting to freak. :eek:

T

[mimitabby]

Lady
my kids are raised. I have enough trouble attending to everything i need to juggling house, job and exercise.
When just DH was riding, it wasn't so bad, I just did more chores. But now I'm riding more too... and there's no one to pick up the slack! sometimes now DH will do stuff (please don't get me wrong, he helped some when just he was riding too) but there's entire AREAS like yardwork that have become poor forgotten orphans in our lives.

I frankly don't know how you do it!

When my kids were little, I really focussed on them. Once they were self sufficient i started taking better care of myself. So i guess it gets better.

Good luck!

[IFjane]

LiW - I agree with mimi. My children are grown and gone. When they were little all I did was devote my time to them, my job and the house (oh yes, and my EXhusband).....and gained 69 pounds I didn't need in the process. It wasn't until the oldest was off to college that I had a little slack time to start working out and take off the weight.

I honestly do not know how mothers with children do it! My hat is off to all of you for being the incredible women you are! I wish I had some words of wisdom to tell you, but all I have are words of awe.

[maillotpois]

LadyinWhite - don't freak - breathe.... :)

It is definitely a juggle. I have an 11 year old and a full time job as a litigation attorney. Frankly, during the week, my job interferes more with my family than riding does - and I am not particularly happy about that. (DD is always wanting me to drive all the field trips, etc. I do what I can - and more than a lot of non-working moms in our school do, quite frankly, but I can't do it all. )

During the week, I will either get up before dawn (4 - 5) and ride outside (I have GOOD lights) or I will do a spinerval on the trainer. I am lucky if I can ride 1 - 2 hours each day on 3 days a week during the week. I won't even try to ride at night because that's my time with my daughter.

Weekends would be tough without very supportive in laws because most of one day a week is spent on long rides.

DH and I ride together often - we both coach for Team in Training, and we are training a group to do the Death Ride in July. So some of that time is our "couple" time togther, which is nice. We don't generally get babysitters and go out on dates at night - we ride together instead. We'll ride Davis double century together in a couple of weeks, which will be fun, too.

The brevets have been a bit tough this year and DH (who isn't doing them with me) was worried about me riding through the night yet again, so he (nicely) asked me not to do the 600k I was planning. That's fine. I'll stick to easier doubles for the rest of the year.

And remember - breathe! It doesn't all have to get done right now. And if your kids are little, the riding may have to take a backseat for a while. That's okay. When the kids are a little older and more self-sufficient, you can spend more time on your bike. You only get one childhood with them.

[LadyinWhite]

LadyinWhite - don't freak - breathe.... :)

It is definitely a juggle.


Whew - glad it's not just me. The kids are pretty old. Boy is turning 13 in a few weeks and the Princess is 15. That's the only reason I got out today, I could leave him alone nursing his cold for two separate rides.

They are incredibly mature and self sufficient but I'm still in hot demand. Especially on the weekends! Which, I guess, is a good thing :D

You are right about one thing - it's now or never with them. The princess is off to college in 3 short years, the boy right on her heels. These crazy days will be gone before I know and I'll be wondering what to do to fill the hours.

T.

[maillotpois]

It's funny - as they get older, they get more self-sufficient, yet you want to be more and more involved because the potential for them getting in trouble, doing bad things, etc. just gets higher. The stakes get higher.

Right now, I wouldn't hesitate to leave my daughter home alone for a couple hours to get a ride in. She walks hom by herself, she gets herself to school most mornings after we leave for work. We live in a very safe area (knock on wood). But in a couple of years when she's in middle school and then high school - I am not so sure. Much will depend on how she conducts herself and who her friends are then.

So I was expecting your kids would be younger, but I totally get that as they get older you almost have to be more involved. I am hoping work is more flexible in a couple of years to facilitate that.

I don't do much laundry.... :rolleyes: (Actually, the kid is getting pretty good at it, but I pay a price. Literally... :D )

[Crankin]

I didn't ride when my kids (now 22 and 24) were young, but I did teach aerobics and live at the gym. I mostly did this at 5-6 AM and then went to work. My husband was always the morning person (when he was in town, since he traveled a lot) and when they were really little and he wasn't around, (under 5 and 7) I had a teenaged babysitter who would come to my house at 4:40 AM so I could go teach aerobics, come home and shower, and then wait for my nanny to come. They just knew that mom was at the gym... I would get up early on weekends and go at 8 AM, so it didn't interfere with any family plans.
My kids were very self sufficient and I never hesitated about leaving them to go ride when they were teenagers. By this time, my oldest was about to graduate HS and the younger one was already a ranked junior level racer. He was gone riding more than me! Of course, they never did anything to make me not trust them. I am a strong believer in not sacrificing your whole life for your kids. I've seen too many people who end up having no life and no relationship with their spouse when the kids leave, including all of my friends from AZ who are now divorced. Of course, we did a lot with them when they were growing up, but my husband and I went out just about every Saturday night alone, or with other couples when they were growing up. We still do now, but we also spend most of our time riding together. Some of our non-riding friends think it's "over the top," but while they are sitting there complaining about how overweight they are, I am out doing something active.
Sorry to digress!

[Jenn]

I know many don't consider being a stay at home mom a full time job. BUT, this boss doesn't grant lunch breaks, coffee breaks, NO breaks. So, I'm up at 4:30AM to be on the spin bike by 5AM for an hour, then I can cool down before the "Pincess" is up at 7AM. I made the choice to stop my medical coding job and go to school at night for my R.N. But being a stay at home mother is BY FAR the HARDEST job I've ever had, mostly because I'm a people person, I LOVE people and I'm so isolated being home.. However, I cannot handle the thought of handing my daughter over to a total stranger in this day and age and say here...take the most precious thing in my life and do what you will. When she can communicate with me (outside of signing to me) I'll put here in daycare and go to school full time and finish my R.N.
But it sucks, that's why DH and I have to stager riding, I ride early on Sat and Sun and when I get back he goes, but now that we have the trailer, Sun is totally family day and we ALL ride.
I know its' tiring being a working mother and I feel for ya'll but it's NO easier being home. Being a mother not MATTER what you do is 24/7 and it's tiring and frustrating but it is so FULFILLING!!!:D

[LadyinWhite]

, but my husband and I went out just about every Saturday night alone, or with other couples when they were growing up. We still do now, but we also spend most of our time riding together. Some of our non-riding friends think it's "over the top," but while they are sitting there complaining about how overweight they are, I am out doing something active.
Sorry to digress!

I hear ya and I don't think it's over the top at all - My DH and I have been accused of spending too much time together since we started dating 24 years ago. It's crazy! I just laugh because while we may be the only couple we know who still can't get enough of each other, we're also about the only couple we know truly connected and content as a couple.

I also agree that it's important to maintain individual pursuits and couple pursuits as well as family pursuits. You are right on the money there!

I'm the only one in my family who rides which, I think, complicates things a bit. While it's my individual pursuit - it's my time, so it's worth slicing out the time for, for me alone. It also sometimes makes it easier to sacrifice in the name of "more important" activities.

Though - my family supports me 100% in anything I do so I'm not really complaining - just commenting on how we all have to juggle this to make room for that these days. And - they know - where ever we go this summer, so goes Mom's bike. LOL!!

[LadyinWhite]

Being a mother not MATTER what you do is 24/7 and it's tiring and frustrating but it is so FULFILLING!!!:D

Very true - as they get older, it gets less physical and more mental but just as demanding and just as amazing and wonderful :)

I've been so very fortunate, able to spend their earliest years home, working p/t, nights, etc keeping my hand in the profession until as they got older I began building a client base until now, I'm very busy but managing a lot of it on my own terms (namely keeping most of the summer free!!!)

Sounds like you know what's right for you and made the best decision for your family.

Can't ask for more than that :)

T.

[Bikingmomof3]

I know its' tiring being a working mother and I feel for ya'll but it's NO easier being home. Being a mother not MATTER what you do is
24/7 and it's tiring and frustrating but it is so FULFILLING!!!:D

Jenn,
I am a SAHM of 3 teen boys. It does not get easier as they get older, just different and definitely more mentally challenging, but still immensely satisfying. :)

I honestly do not know how working moms do it and I admire ALL moms. :) I tried being a working mom and was dead tired. Who knew I could be more tired than I was. ;)

All moms are great!!! :cool:

[Aggie_Ama]

I don't know how you moms do it and eventually I will be trying to figure it out. Right now DH and I are dead tired all the time. We have trouble keeping our house in tip top shape, riding, cooking and sleeping. In a year or two (or three?) we want to try to through a baby in the mix. :eek:

We are knew home owners, so maybe we will get the hang of that before the kiddo!

[mimitabby]

BMo3
it DOES get easier as they get older (you need to babysit a 2 year old for 10 minutes if you've forgotten.)
You can leave them long enough to go to the store, at a certain age, and then at another certain age, you can leave them for an evening.
I'm not saying that I am not still tied up in knots (sorry Knot) about stuff involving my two sons (with DH saying, let it go, they are 26 and 28 years old)
but guess what? I can leave the house for the week and when I come back everythin'g is just fine!

so yes.. it DOES get easier.

[Bikingmomof3]

BMo3so yes.. it DOES get easier.

Oh good! I have something to look forward to. :)

[Crankin]

I think it does get easier, too. Yes, the issues of early adolescents and teens/college students are there, but it is different than the stress of little kids. You don't have to drive them everywhere at a certain point, and for me, that was the key to freedom. Of course, with the car and driving came other responsibilities, but somehow, both of my boys got out of high school without any car accidents, drinking or drug issues. In fact, they were wusses compared to what their mom did back in the sixties and seventies. They both had their activities which kept them extremely busy; cycling for one and music/band for the other. I have a really close relationship with them as adults, which I am thankful for. Not stifling close, but they tell me stuff that most grown men wouldn't discuss with their mom. I don't even see my son who lives in Boston more than once every month, but the closeness is there. We always told them that no matter what bad thing they did or what happened, just tell us. I think being a teacher has given me a realistic perspective on kids. I was always brutally honest with them and talked to them about anything when they asked.
So far it has worked. If I could live through my youngest joining the marines, I can live through anything.

[Batbike]

My children are still both young, but old enough to be left alone for short periods of time -- ages 10 & 13. However, most everything I do, whether it be work, cycling, home chores, or the many other small stuff that needs to be done, I do when they are in school or at some other activity. So, I don't do long rides, unless it is a weekend and my DH is around, or I don't need to work that day and can get in a longer ride while they are at school. My average ride is 1.5 - 2 hours ... tops!

As for work, I work a part-time job -- I gave up a paying fast track career when I had children. I feel the value of my children outweigh the value of any paycheck! Basically, I work for "bike parts". :D One day they will be grown and gone, and I want to be able to say I gave them the best of me that I could while they were growing-up. That means I take care of me, but not at their expense, and I take care of them until they can be independent and take care of themselves. Thank goodness my DH has a career that can support this decision! :)

Most of women I know that ride LONG rides are women who's children are in college or out of house. Some of these women work so much that they don't even ride LONG rides, except on weekends, but build their overall fitness throughout the week by going to the gym for hours in the early AM or late PM. They have the time to work on themselves because their immediate family needs have lessened. So, take care of yourself, take care of your family -- keep it balanced because one day it will be ALL you and you'll want the energy and fitness to do whatever you want to in the LARGE amount of time you will have to do it!! ;)

[xeney]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."

I don't really expect it to be any different in my family. If I can get a babysitter, I will probably be able to do some of the things I did before I was pregnant (hiking, cycling, canoeing). But I am one hundred percent sure that my husband will keep doing those things with or without a babysitter.

[Triskeliongirl]

For me, I have always cycled, had a pretty intense career (I run a research lab at a major research university where I also teach), and raised two so-far well adjusted and productive kids. We are soon to be empty-nesters as our youngest heads off to MIT this fall (daughter is at wellesley), so how do we do it all? For one, somewhat in response to the last post, it has always been we (my husband has the same job I do). I think that is key, both partners sharing the workload (and fun!) equally. That doesn't mean at every moment, but that the overall balance is there. It also means not being afraid to pay for help, we earn enough money that we could afford high quality day care when our kids were young, a women to clean our house and wash our clothes, etc. While recreational cycling has taken a different role in our lives at different times, one thing that has helped us stay active even when our kids were young is to cycle commute. Yes, when they were young we had those chairs that sit on the back of a bike like a rack, and now make me cringe that we ever did that, but that was all there was, and that was how our kids got to and from day care (nowadays there are trailers). As our kids were growing up, they would bike with us on family vacations, we even did Ride for the Roses one year as a family. As our kids got older yet, and wanted to do their own activities, we started to club ride early on weekend mornings, but would forgo club social acitivities to get home for a family lunch. Its nice cuz as we become empty nesters, we have our cycling to keep us busy and missing the kids less. We still get together for active family vacations, in fact we are planning a family scuba diving trip to florida this summer before our youngest starts college. I saw two couples show up for a club ride, and each guy had the kids in a trailer on his bike, while the wives were on single bikes, and that ended up also equalizing their speeds (these were racer boys) so they could ride as a group. I also have friends struggling with this that bought tandems as a way of combining family time and cycling time. So, it can be done, but you have to figure out what makes sense for your family.

[Meg McKilty]

Some of us only have a job and exercise.

Work, sleep, run/cycle. That's my life summed up lately.
Soon studying begins again. Like, tomorrow.

[deena]

A number of years ago while trying to work full-time, be the room mom, the scout leader, stuff the classroom folders, and a million other things one of my mentors shared this with me:

The mother who gives up her life for her children does them no kindness but rather burdens them with the legacy of a life unlived. --Janet Falldron

I still struggle with taking time away from my kids (13, 11, and 9) to ride and do other things, but I don't want them to ever think THEY prevented me from following my dreams - what guilt! :eek: And as much as they whine about it, they still like it when their friends say, "Your mom rode how many miles? OMG! No way."

:D Way.

[annie]

A number of years ago while trying to work full-time, be the room mom, the scout leader, stuff the classroom folders, and a million other things one of my mentors shared this with me:

The mother who gives up her life for her children does them no kindness but rather burdens them with the legacy of a life unlived. --Janet Falldron

I still struggle with taking time away from my kids (13, 11, and 9) to ride and do other things, but I don't want them to ever think THEY prevented me from following my dreams - what guilt! :eek: And as much as they whine about it, they still like it when their friends say, "Your mom rode how many miles? OMG! No way."

:D Way.

A very wise quote. Who is Janet Falldron? Thanks!

Annie

[mimitabby]

I just did a search on Janet Falldron and found nothing, except the one quote.
I disagree.. Mothering is NOT a life unlived.
Being there for your children teaches them so much. Who do you want them to learn from? you or ... ?
As a mom who worked for all but the first 3 months of each sons' life, I struggled with guilt for leaving them in day care for years. But i picked them up as soon as I could every day; which meant I dragged them to appointments and to the grocery store. I read to them every night, and whenever they had something to tell me and i was distracted I tried to stop and listen; because I knew that soon they would have someone else they'd rather talk to.

As soon as they could, we had them on bikes, I remember when a two mile ride was an all morning event.
My sons today brag to their friends about the fact that at our house we had dinner at home almost every night as a family. a life unlived, indeed.
My sons don't feel guilt for the years that they were small and needed a mom around..
They are proud of me today for what I was and what I have become.

edit: I searched for just Falldron there is only the single reference in all of Google, so it is either a made up or misspelled name. Shortly, there will be a second reference to this name; this thread!

[kelownagirl]

Good points everyone! I agree that I am amazed at the women with little children who have the time (and energy) to exercise. I have two generations of kids - two daughters who are grown and moved out, and one son who is 9. I never found the time to ride or anything when the kids were little but that has changed in the past 2-3 years for me.

Luckily for me, DH and I work together (teachers). In the spring and fall, we ride to school, bring biking clothes, and we ride 20-30 k after school several days a week while my son is at a famiyl daycare, playing with his friends. We do 30-50 k rides on the weekend. I will leave my son home alone for up to an hour now when I ride once in awhile, but that is rare because he is usually at his dad's on the weekends so my time is free then. I'll admit, my house is a mess, my classroom isn't the tidiest, but I am healthy and fit and in good emotional shape. DH and I spend most of our time together and we both like it that way. Those things certainly help to enable me to ride lots.

[Bikingmomof3]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."


My husband's life changed as much as mine did when we had our children. He is very involved in their lives and has always helped out with child rearing, shopping, cooking, driving the kids around, doctor's appointments, etc. We changed as a couple when the kids arrived. We have been very fortunate and neither of us have any regrets. Maybe he is a rare father/husband, I do not know. I think he is wonderful. :)

[lph]

No, I like the Falldron quote. She doesn't say not to be a mother, or not to stay at home, she just says you shouldn't "give up your life" for them. That's pretty individual for each person whether that means working, staying at home or whatever. If you enjoy staying at home you're not "giving up your life", you're just changing it.

I like her point that giving up too much for your kids can put an burden of guilt on them. But then - my mother is the queen of passive aggressive guilt trips...

We manage the juggling act by working parttime (80%) both of us. And living in a small apartment, with a cheap car. Etc.

But hey - I don't do long rides anyway :rolleyes:

[SheFly]

I just want to say - WOW! I admire all of you moms - stay at home and working - who have achieved such balance. I honestly don't know how you manage.

I, on the other hand, am one of those "childless by circumstance" people, and later, "childless by choice". That certainly makes it easier for me to be able to have a career, manage the house(s) and still focus on my passion - cycling. I certainly would not be riding over 5000 miles a year, and competing in 41 races if I had children in addition!

I promise, after reading this thread, however, not to complain about being too tired anymore :D .

Thanks to all of you moms - you're doing a GREAT job!

SheFly

[limewave]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."


DH gave up cycling all together when DD came along. He'll do a family ride with us, but he doesn't go to group rides or race anymore. He took up running instead because it takes up less of his time. However, DH's work schedule is such that I am the one left to do the "balancing" on a day to day basis. I knew that getting into the marriage. Two weekends a year DH takes complete charge of DD and I get to go on my own personal retreat to a BB or to visit one of my friends. :)

[Triskeliongirl]

I don't want to get into the stay at home vs working mom debate, I respect all women for deciding to do what is right for them and their families. But, it is interesting while at certain times as a working mom I did worry about not being there enough for my kids, but talking to my daughter now as an adult, she tells me what a great role model it was for her, to know you could do it all. I think its not a coincidence that she is studying neuroscience now (just like me). She said when they have forums about career vs family at college, she was surprised to see how many young women are conflicted on this point, cuz their mothers told them they must choose. Even though I always worked a lot, I was always there for my kids. They knew they could talk to me about anything, at home at night I might write while they did homework, but as Mimi said we'd be together, eat together as a family, etc. But, I did expect my kids to take on as much responsiblity for themselves as they could handle, which I do think helped them develop into self confident adults (kind of like how I train my graduate students :)). Another smart thing we did was buy a home walking distance from my kids school, so they could walk or cycle to school, after school activities, etc., to cut down on the chauffeur role. I also remember when my kids were young I did a lot of exercise videos after they were sleeping, if I couldn't get outdoors to exercise. Taking care of yourself is critical if you are going to take care of others, you just need to be smart and effecient about how you do it.

[Cyclo Kitty]

Wow, I was actually thinking about posting the same question :)

My son is 8, and my husband works in Boston on an ever-shifting schedule that includes a 1-hour + commute by train. If I sleep until 6, I've just missed my "me" time.

I ride to work, for errands, and on weekends, but I still can't fit in really long rides yet. DH rides at night, something I consider unwise for me to do. He leaves at 9 and is back at 12 or so on weekends and when he's off.

My job is very flexible (non-profit) so I was thinking of riding in mid-day, when my son is at school or day camp, and then working Saturdays to make up the hours. Having worked Saturdays before (with and w/o a family) I'm a little hesitant to do that. I missed the boys!

DH and son are both mountain bikers and I'm road/cross so when we ride as a group it can be challenging to get in what every one wants to do. But it does work to keep the family bonded and working toward their own goals. I was so proud of the kid when he braved the singletrack! (He's 8)

I'm impressed both by the range of choices people can make and the similarity of situations some of us are in. The main thing is always, "Ride your bike!"

That's what they say at the LBS...just keep riding, as much or as little as you can. Sometimes we may lose sight of just how simple that can be. :)

[xeney]

She said when they have forums about career vs family at college, she was surprised to see how many young women are conflicted on this point, cuz their mothers told them they must choose.

That is a really good thing to hear, because I am pregnant with a daughter right now and I've been wondering about how my choices, career-wise, will impact her outlook. And I like hearing that there are young women who look back on their mothers and appreciate the role-modeling.

I'm a lawyer and I work at a nonprofit that is generally viewed as "family friendly," but the idea of staying on there after the baby is born makes me want to sit down on the floor and cry from exhaustion (probably because I am watching another new mom go through it now). I just finished a very big year ... I argued three cases before the California Supreme Court and one before the United States Supreme Court, I had two murder appeals and a couple of other big cases, and I did so much administrative work on top of all that that I finished 2006 with about a month's work of extra billable hours in the bank. It was a great year, but it left me a complete wreck, and I really don't think I can do that with a new baby. No matter what my husband winds up doing. (He's graduating in January so we don't even know what his career situation is going to be like.)

I can quit when the baby is born, take charge of my own workload, and go into private practice working from home, which seems like a no-brainer since I can make as much money with far fewer hours billed per week, but in some ways that does feel like a cop-out, because I will not be doing anything remotely like what I have been doing lately ... I'll be doing simple cases and just getting the mortgage paid, basically. And there is a part of me that feels like maybe I should just stick with that plan for as long as my kid is little, so that I'm always at home (even though I'll have to use some part-time family daycare in order to get work done, obviously).

But then there is a much bigger part of me that really doesn't want my daughter to feel like that's her destiny, too, to be the one who gives up the career, or (God forbid) to get the idea that nothing she does matters except for raising her kids. I didn't get that message from my own mother because I saw how much happier she was when she finally went back to work when I was a teenager. She had worked when I was a baby but quit due to the really awful daycare options she had available, and she was never happy. She was a good mom, but she was a miserable housewife. And I would be a pretty miserable housewife, too. We were all better off, and we were much better parented, when Mom had an outside life that made her happy.

So I'm hoping to strike a balance, although I am also planning to take at least the first year as a break from the craziness of this last year. I can use the break, this will allow me to breastfeed, my husband could frankly probably use the break from having a stressed-out wife who's always traveling. But I don't want to take the kind of extended or total break that will set me back permanently in my career; I don't think that would be good for me or, for that matter, good for my daughter. Not in the long run.

[margo49]

they still like it when their friends say, "Your mom rode how many miles? OMG! No way."
.

+1

Luckily the human brain is not so good at distinguishing between actually riding,thinkng about biking and bikes, remembering past tours in one's youth,watching the Giro/TdF/ Vuelta on Eurosport TV, perusing TE boards...

(the body notices of course, but I don't let that spoil my emotional highs -
la la la tra la la tra la la.)

Whether I am riding or not, I am a cyclist. All the rest is things that I do

[I think I ate too much nutmeg today]

[Grog]

No matter what my husband winds up doing. (He's graduating in January so we don't even know what his career situation is going to be like.)

This is a naive question: have you two considered that he might stay at home for a little while, say after you have breastfed for a few months and then returned to work? Your career sounds much more established than his at this moment...

[Triskeliongirl]

Xeney. I am glad you posted more details on your situation. I agree with the poster who suggested that since your career is more established that perhaps your husband could adjust more initially. I will also tell you that work and breast feeding is possible, if you are willing to express milk during the day (I know, I did it..........twice). We have a neighbor, and she is a high power lawyer while he is the stay at home dad. He also does some consulting from the home, but he is the primary care giver to their 3 young children. I really don't think you should give up a job you clearly enjoy, but you do need a plan. WHehter that means your husband is primary care giver in the beginning, or that you find good daycare, there are ways to do it. I also flew my Mom out to help out with both kids between the time they were born and the time they were old enough to start daycare. We even had a 'sick child daycare' at our local childrens and womens hospital (this was when I lived in Pittsburgh), so if your child was sick you drop them off there, they get their doctors visit taken care of, prescriptions filled, and nurses care for them, and you get a full report at the end of the day. Of course this service wasn't cheap, but if there is a day when you just have to be at work, it was great to have.

Another interesting thing my daughter has told me as a young adult. When she went off to college, she was surprised to find out how atypical our family is, in these sense that we have great relationships with each other, we are still married after 23 years, etc. Most of the young women she meets have poor relationships with their parents, their parents have poor relationships with each other, etc. I think taking care of ourselves in terms of our health, doing serious work that we love, etc. contribute to both the physical and mental health of our family.

The real question is how does your husband feel about all of this? You said he just graduated? What is his field? What are his prospects? Would working out of the home for a little while be an option for him?

[xeney]

Well, yes and no. If he doesn't get a good job offer that is definitely on the table. But the way his field works is that recruitment is heavy right around graduation, and it can be hard to break in after that. So while I'm more established, I'm also in a better position to be able to take a break. (He's actually very well-established in his current specific field, and in fact his hourly consultant rate is higher than my billing rate will be, but he's trying to change tracks because he's not happy doing what he does now.) Since he's graduating mid-year he will very possibly keep consulting until next June, and then jump into the hiring field with the new graduates, and that would be ideal for us because it means we'd both have tons of flexibility during the baby's first nine months.

I also have wanted to go into private practice for a long time so this is in some ways the chance I've been waiting for.

[LadyinWhite]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."

I don't really expect it to be any different in my family. If I can get a babysitter, I will probably be able to do some of the things I did before I was pregnant (hiking, cycling, canoeing). But I am one hundred percent sure that my husband will keep doing those things with or without a babysitter.

My DH and I are a true partnership. He might be a bit more scatterbrained than me (I keep track of everyone's schedule) but he's there 100%. His weekends and evenings are absolutely as devoted and filled as mine. And - when my job won't let me be there for stuff, he bends over backwards to make sure he is there instead.

Guess I got a good one :) 22 years married, I think I'll keep him.

[LadyinWhite]

Another interesting thing my daughter has told me as a young adult. When she went off to college, she was surprised to find out how atypical our family is, in these sense that we have great relationships with each other, we are still married after 23 years, etc. Most of the young women she meets have poor relationships with their parents, their parents have poor relationships with each other, etc. I think taking care of ourselves in terms of our health, doing serious work that we love, etc. contribute to both the physical and mental health of our family.


You are so wise. Your family sounds like mine - I hope, projecting forward 5 years, we remain as together as you guys. Wish me luck!

[xeney]

I missed Triskeliongirl's second post. Pumping at my workplace is not an inviting prospect; the few people who have attempted it have given it up in short order. And, to be honest, I'm not that dedicated. That is the breaking point I see for a lot of working mothers: demanding job, demanding hours, baby in daycare ... but it's pumping three times a day that kills them. If I couldn't work during that time I'd have to work longer hours to make it up, and I am just not willing to do that.

We have family daycare available but it would not work if I keep my regular job, because I have to be there every day for a certain number of hours. Working at home I can make the same amount of money (factoring in self-employment taxes, COBRA payments, retirement contributions, and the few business expenses you incur in my particular line of work) with 25 billable hours per week, which I can do with a couple of days of grandparent care and some trading off with my husband. If I go back to work, it has to be full-time (part-time and flex-time aren't options, and I have to be there after five p.m. fairly often which also makes daycare difficult), and it's at least double what I need to do at home.

So it's kind of a no-brainer. Especially since I left out the fact that the administrative part of my job -- the part I'm going to be walking away from entirely -- is boring and maddening and makes me think about quitting at least once a day.

And that's where balance comes in, and why I liked Triskeliongirl's first post so much. I don't want my daughter to think that she has to give up anything else she wants in life if she decided to have a child, but I also don't want her to think that a working life needs to be joyless and crushing and all-or-nothing.

[Crankin]

I agree soooo much with Trisk's post. My husband did stay home with son #1 until he was eight months old. Other things in our lives worked out so he could and it really relieved stress for me about going back to work after 6 weeks. He was a colicky baby and I swear, I can still see myself getting into the car the first day i went back and going "Phew..." I mean, I know what I was wearing, after almost 25 years! I also think that sometimes I am the only one who has a husband like mine. Maybe I was lucky that I am a teacher and I do get home earlier than most people, so I could drive them to activities, but there were still a lot of stresses.
Both of my sons are very clear that they need to marry "women who can contribute to the family income." The oldest is dating someone who is an architect, stuck at a horrible internship type job. She's made some career mistakes after going to a very expensive and prestigious school (RISD). From what my son tells me, her parents have given her no "guidance or role models." He says they are like old hippies and she has to parent them. I feel badly for her, so Steve and I try to help with advice when she asks. She is 27 and should be in a different place by now, given some of the other things she's done. So, I can see how the way you conduct your own life can affect your kid as an adult. I know for sure that my kids will be totally participatory dads who work as a team with their wives, because that is what they lived while growing up.

[singletrackmind]

What do I do? I take the kid with me!
In a back pack...
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y141/smcr/scan0005.jpg
In a trailer...
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y141/smcr/0551016112_SMSLtrailnet.jpg
On a mountain tandem...
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y141/smcr/DSC_4424.jpg

We've gone as many as 12 miles with the pack and up to 80 in the trailer. We've had the tandem 2 weeks and he's put 75 miles on it so far, up to 23 miles at a time on road and 8 miles off.

In his words:
"Really really much fun!"

I'm a stay at home mom. He's 3. It means giving up some luxuries but we're making do ok. My riding style may have changed to accommodate the kiddo, but at least I'm riding. My husband rides when he can after work and he gets first choice during the weekend, though we generally try to ride together at least once. I wouldn't have it any other way, and I get rides in during the day. I may be the luckier one, the kiddo sings and talks and asks questions and generally has a good time. I'm glad to be a part of it. :)

It'll prolly be trickier when he does go to school, I plan to try working while he's learning. Well, they're only young once and it's not a sacrifice, it's an honor to be witness to his process of growing.

Guess when he starts going to school it'll be 'you rode how far? No way!' :D

[maillotpois]

It is so great to hear these comments - especially from women like Triske and Robyn with adult(ish) children who worked when the kids were growing up and set an example of one way of combining your career, life, goals with the goals of your children. Thank you!!! I am hoping I am setting such a fine example for my daughter. I'm certainly in the minority as most mothers here do not work. (I'm also, at 40, a good 10 years younger than most of the mothers.)

Xeney - on the pumping thing - do you have an office or is there an office available? I did pump for a couple of years, and it was tricky. But I would shut my door and people knew not to open it. (I also brought my daughter to work for a couple of months and it was funny to see the senior partner - a childless 50-year old - occasionally walk in while I was nursing. He was a super good sport about it and I think in the end it was a good experience for all. But I wasn't doing as much litigation work at that time - mostly research and motion writing.

[maillotpois]

Excellent singletrack!!

See my avatar - that was during the Cinderella Classic metric century a couple of years ago...
<------

[xeney]

I have an office, and my work is all appellate work so I don't have to go to court except for oral argument. But nobody ever respects the "do not disturb" sign and there is a sort of office culture of "knock and enter," without waiting to see if it's a bad time. And really it's just the interruption of billable hours that makes it so difficult. (That and the fact that we are in an ancient building where any extra electrical appliances will blow a circuit ... I would have to use a manual pump, there is no place to plug in an electric one unless I want to unplug my computer three times a day. Oh, man, I can't wait to get out of there.)

We already have our bike trailer and I just bought the jogging conversion kit and infant insert so I can use it right away even if we have to wait a year to use it on the bike. I am being realistic about the fact that I'm not going to be doing much if any riding for the next year, but I should be able to run. I'd rather ride, but I will take what I can get.

[maillotpois]

Oh, well, the plug thing is sort of a deal breaker. Hmm. I will say that I think they may have better battery models than they did 10 years ago....

[Triskeliongirl]

What an interesting discussion! Xeney, while I see for you that working at home makes sense, just for the record, expressing milk doesn't mean pumping. I used to have a routine where I would manually express once a day at work, both breasts simultaneously and get two bottles worth in about 15 minutes. I did have a private office with a lock (you could always intall your own lock that can't be opened from the outside). I basically put two jars in my top desk drawer with two large funnels inside, bent over, thought of my baby, and did it. It did get stressful if I didn't get enough, and then I would have to wake up during the night and do it. My daughter couldn't tolerate formula so I didn't have a choice. A private office makes it a lot easier, but once I had a technician that was pumping and I let her use my office, which was good cuz it forced me into the lab. Now our university actually has rooms for nursing mothers, equipped w sofas, pumps, baby pics, etc. Times have changed.

I also had one of those baby backpacks! I also remember going to scientific meetings and visiting poster sessions with a baby on my back in my younger days.

[singletrackmind]

maillotpois, every time I see that avatar I get a smile....a metric century is great, wonder how long it'll take before the boyo can go that far? Well, we'll see, we'll see. I'm ecstatic with the 20+ milers we've done, but almost can't wait to get back to regular mileage....specially since I won't be pulling the trailer against the wind anymore. :)

xeney, we started in the trailer at five months, when he could hold his head up with a helmet on. We started short til he built up strength (pretty quickly). Having pillows to sleep or rest on was a big plus for him.

My sister is a single working mom who is also going to school to become a nurse. She's now on the last of her 6 year schooling. How she does it mystifies me, but she does. Her kid is clean, well-behaved, confident and in the gifted program at her school. And with a near deadbeat dad as well. Amazing!

[Irulan]

take the princess here, pick her up from there. If I can squeeze a 90 min ride out it's a miracle and even then my cell is bound to go off at least once while I'm out there. (I almost never ride on the weekends)

boy is turning 13 in a few weeks and the Princess is 15.

your kids, imsho are way big enough to fend for themselves for a bit while mom goes for a nice long ride. Especially on the weekend!! And a 15 year old is way old enough to get herself around and not be dependent on mom for taxi service. Bus pass, bike, walk, carpool, there are many options to mom schlepping. So many kids these days think a mile or two walk to the store or to a friends house or to sports practice is just soooo hard.

My son managed to have all his friends on the other side of town, and I refused to drive him more than a rare occasion, so I bought him a bus pass. Sure the city bus service sucks, but then I don't have to drive. Once they have to figure out how to get themselves around, they get a chance to set their own priorities. His priority was his friends, so he got really good at using the bus.

I do not live in a major metro area, it's more suburban than urban, but we made it work.

Hint, turn the cell phone off on rides. Tell them you'll be gone 2 hours and to bring a book or some homework if their event is over before then.

my kids are currently 17 & 20 but I've been mtb riding 2-5x a week for 10 years.

Mindset is so much of it, how about calling her a soon to be independent young lady instead of a princess? Then treat her like a learning to be independent young lady, instead of a princess.

[Melstar]

my kids are currently 17 & 20 but I've been mtb riding 2-5x a week for 10 years..

You look really young for someone with a 17 & 20 yo kids!

[LadyinWhite]

your kids, imsho are way big enough to fend for themselves for a bit while mom goes for a nice long ride. Especially on the weekend!! And a 15 year old is way old enough to get herself around and not be dependent on mom for taxi service. Bus pass, bike, walk, carpool, there are many options to mom schlepping. So many kids these days think a mile or two walk to the store or to a friends house or to sports practice is just soooo hard.

My son managed to have all his friends on the other side of town, and I refused to drive him more than a rare occasion, so I bought him a bus pass. Sure the city bus service sucks, but then I don't have to drive. Once they have to figure out how to get themselves around, they get a chance to set their own priorities. His priority was his friends, so he got really good at using the bus.

I do not live in a major metro area, it's more suburban than urban, but we made it work.

Hint, turn the cell phone off on rides. Tell them you'll be gone 2 hours and to bring a book or some homework if their event is over before then.

my kids are currently 17 & 20 but I've been mtb riding 2-5x a week for 10 years.

Mindset is so much of it, how about calling her a soon to be independent young lady instead of a princess? Then treat her like a learning to be independent young lady, instead of a princess.



Wow -

Thanks for all the tips.

Wow...reading your comments makes me realize that my momentary venting painted a picture of my children and my life that isn't entirely accurate.

by the way - I use the term Princess with deep teasing affection. She's no more a princess than any other teenage girl. She is a strong, confident, independent young woman who is travelling to France alone this summer. But - until she can drive, she still needs a lift to the library for her study group on wed(she's in the top 10 of her class) and until she can drive, she still needs to be picked up from the HS on Monday evenings (the pull out Fine Art program drops her off at 5:20pm and there is no after school bus) she still needs a lift to the local hospital on thursday afternoons (she candy stripes). She does, however, ride her bike to her local fine art classes on Tuesday afternoons (she's an amazingly talented artist). Soon I will need to drive her to her p/t job - as she is working to defray the cost of her upcoming trip.

As for the weekends - leaving them alone isn't a problem. I'm saying right now that I choose to not ride on the weekends so I can attend my son's baseball games or participate in local community events.

Thanks for all the great posts - I appreciate the feedback. I loved reading about how everyone balances their careers, their families and their passion for cycling.

I just regret painting a picture of the put upon mother.

[maillotpois]

Lady in White - I didn't get "put upon" from your post, FWIW. I did get some real innovation in terms of how you were squeezing in rides in your speare time, though! ;)

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

by the way - I use the term Princess with deep teasing affection. She's no more a princess than any other teenage girl.

This reminds me of how a few years ago DH's son (now 22) played the lead in his high school production of "Hamlet" when he was 17. After that we sometimes referred to him as The Prince of Denmark, or simply The Young Prince. It did suit him though, as he did struggle for a while with the horrifying notion that he actually had to WORK to get many of the things he wanted. :D :D :D

[Bklynmom]

I was just sitting here thinking that I really should not be thinking about cycling and get back to working on my business project, but I can't resist participating in this great discussion. It is amazing that we all have such different lives and they all seem to be working pretty darn well. :)

I have just been able to fit serious cycling into my life, with the support and encouragement of my husband of 20 years, who has been able to take over our weekend baseball marathon with our 2 boys (9 and 13).

My career really helps it all work. About 10 years ago I quit my boring day job and followed my passion and eventually became a professional photographer. I shoot about 2 X a month and otherwise spend a fair ammount of time on the computer working on photos. Because I have the flexible schedule, I can ride when the kids are in school, and usually one long ride on the weekend.

And yes, my 13 year old does come up and say how proud he is that I rode 61.89 miles yesterday - that really rocks!

[Bikingmomof3]

Lady in White - I didn't get "put upon" from your post, FWIW. I did get some real innovation in terms of how you were squeezing in rides in your speare time, though! ;)

What Sarah said on both accounts. :)