What would you have done differently? [Archive] - Women's Cycling Discussion Forums

LBTC

04-17-2007, 09:06 PM

temporary co-worker, 15 years younger than I am, and very healthy, asked me this today (I had been cautioning her on not being a perfectionist - just look where it got me!)

I thought about this as I walked home tonight....my brain rattled through the usual: laugh more, play more, yada yada, then the aha moment:

cry more

so, what would you have done differently?

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

mountainchick

04-17-2007, 11:50 PM

maybe only gone to a different college so i wouldn't be racked with the debt i am, but other than that....nothing!

its been hard, easy, fun, lots of ups and downs but i'm happy where i am, and past decisions have gotten me here so i can't complain!

bmccasland

04-18-2007, 04:47 AM

Laugh more

If things in life (relationships, jobs) are affecting your health and you've made reasonable attempts to correct the problems (talk with supervisors or bosses, counseling), then RUN! That could be figuratively or literally. Definitely find and activity to get outside away from work - riding bikes, hiking, gardening, playing catch with the dog. There's more to life than work (unless you're one of those really lucky people that loves their job) and housework.

Pax

04-18-2007, 05:29 AM

I would have gotten out and stayed out of the stifling environment that is the Midwest.

That and when I was a firefighter I would have (should have) fought them harder to stay on the department after I was injured.

indysteel

04-18-2007, 07:23 AM

There's lots I would have done differently, but here are a few things off the top of my head:

I would have taken a semester/year to travel abroad before becoming an attorney. In that same vein, I wish I'd done something of service like Americorps before saddling myself with student loans from law school. But if I'm really rewriting my life, I would have become a journalist/writer instead of a lawyer.

I would have taken more risks, e.g., I would have moved away after law school and just hoped for the best. I'm a very cautious person and I think that, more than my abilities or skill set, has held me back.

I would have spent less time crying over ex-boyfriends and more over lost friends.

Of course, I would have taken up cycling and yoga a lot earlier.

I would have volunteered more.

I would never have gotten a tv or cable. I didn't own a tv for a long time and regret that I ever bought one (I know, I know. What's stopping me from getting rid of it now.....) Instead, I wish I would have become an NPR junkie a lot sooner.

I wish I'd recognized when I was younger that I didn't need to know all the answers, that I didn't even know all the questions and that I should have just relaxed and gone with the flow a lot more. It's great to be driven and to have a plan, but I think you also need to be open to surprises.

Duck on Wheels

04-18-2007, 08:28 AM

1) I'd have said no to that position in a social club back in high school, rather than worry about not being able to do what was expected, not even agree with what was expected, and then simply not do it.
2) Thought before speaking and thus avoided unintentionally insulting a high school classmate.
3) Not threatened to chuck out DDs comics if she didn't clean them up by deadline, so that I then wouldn't have had to follow through on the threat.
4) Taken DS Iceland pony riding that one day on Iceland, rather than joining the rest of the gang (two-family trip) sightseeing in town.

Other than that, I don't really have a lot of regrets. Sure, I could have done lots of things different or better, but I don't think I've done them so badly as to be hurtfull so I think I should just accept my weaknesses and move on.

surgtech1956

04-18-2007, 08:36 AM

Starting sticking $$$ into a retirement account when I was 18. Listen to that little voice telling me who I really was - not denying it. Maybe join the service - full time - not as a reservist.

mimitabby

04-18-2007, 08:38 AM

hey, no looking back! you can't undo what you did.

what's the point, you just end up beating yourself up for what you didn't do.

I would have talked more to my grandparents. and not opened any of my toys
so I could resell them on ebay today.

lauraelmore1033

04-18-2007, 08:45 AM

good answer Mimi! I like that better than the mountain of woulda, shouda, coudas I've been shifting through this morning.

indysteel

04-18-2007, 09:10 AM

hey, no looking back! you can't undo what you did. what's the point, you just end up beating yourself up for what you didn't do.

I'm generally grateful and happy about the course my life has taken--and that includes both my successes and failures. The quote from Buddha on my fridge that I read every morning as I make coffee says it all: The secret to happiness for both mind and body is not to mourn the past, worry about about the future or anticipate troubles but to live in the present wisely and earnestly." That said, I think the lessons learned from our past can inspire us to bring change into our present and future, so there is some benefit to looking back and I believe that you can do so without beating yourself up.

LBTC

04-18-2007, 11:34 AM

Ah, Indy - exactly!

Two points:

I pondered this a lot because many health care professionals say that certain personality traits are common with people who have Crohn's disease. I can't help but wonder if certain shifts may have prevented the health issues I'm dealing with right now.

And, since I am dealing with this right now, are any of those things that I might have changed, things I can change right now? Yes. I cried last night.

Sounds odd, but I've used a lot of energy for most of my life in "being happy" - laugh a lot, smile a lot, look at the positive; and I've spent very little of my energy honouring the other emotions I feel. Something can be said for how that might affect my health, right?

Here's an interesting thought: I did not realize that I have a competitive streak until a few years ago when I placed well in a couple of mtb races. It gave me a completely different view of my life, especially the pressures I didn't realize that I was putting on myself. Now, had I known about this crazy competitive me, what would I have done? I don't know if I have the answer to that, but at my age (39), and in my state of health that prevents me from "going hard" at anything, it seems extra hard to find ways to deal with that....

And then there's the part of me that says no way would I change anything. If I had even participated in a sport in school, would I have ever met DH??? I mean, seriously, every single action we take has some kind of repercussion. Some of those repercussions are the best things in my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything!

So, as always, my "opinion" comes in as right on the fence. But I have made a slight shift that I'm pleased with. Cry more.

Hugs and butterflies to each of you. It's not too late to build the you you want to be!

~T~

Mr. Bloom

04-18-2007, 06:24 PM

I would have cared more about "people" earlier in life and less about "things" and "impressions". It's interesting now how I'm learning this lesson from our kids.

It's also interesting that once you obtain the things you desire or when you achieve the goals you seek, then...and only then...you see the meaningful things you missed along the way.

As Paul said:
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance. I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing.

"To be content in any circumstance" is a blessing of great value

pepe6599

04-18-2007, 06:35 PM

I do have many regrets but nothing that I would of done different. Sure I wish sometimes but my life is the greatest looking at the future then at the past.

teigyr

04-18-2007, 07:29 PM

I think it's hard to have regrets because everything shapes us to be who we are now. There are silly little things such as that I didn't wear my headgear when I was young so now I have braces now as an adult, etc., but those are life lessons. Life wasn't always perfect nor is it perfect now but I wouldn't change it because everything led up to now.

I will say I have been very lucky so maybe that's why I'm the way I am. My divorce was peaceful, my parents are still healthy though we've had some scares in the past, and I am very happily remarried. Oddly enough, my husband and I have some "imperfect past" things in common which is pretty cool because our references are the same.

The one lesson I am glad I learned is that to appreciate who is in your life while they are there. I used to think mortality was something that would never affect me. I've learned with friends, pets, and family, to take the time to see them and to look at the positive instead of the negative. This was really driven home when my dad was in ICU. I can fly for free and yet stopped visiting as often. When he was taken to the hospital, we didn't know if he would make it or not. I won't make the mistake again of putting things off because you never know what the future will hold. My parents can be frustrating and difficult at times (can't we all?) but seeing them in that state is better than the alternative.

Trek420

04-18-2007, 08:26 PM

While I'm happy with my life and have no regrets but I would hit the rewind button to:

When A.N asked me to go work with her at Bridges said "yes" to the souse chef job and said "no" to the graphics job from he)).

I was about 12 on a cross country road trip with my family. In the Midwest my Dad thought it would be a great thing for me if I could ride in a giant wheat harvester. He stopped the car, strode out into the field and stopped this thing the size of a ginormous house. The driver agreed I could ride. I was too shy.

I'd give anything to go back in time and say "yes".

Took care of the knee when it got crunched in Aikido as soon as it stopped hurting I went back. Rehab, who knew??

Probably should have got outa the last relationship 4-5 years before I did. But then I would not have met Knott I'm sure. :D Timing is everything in life.

Pax

04-19-2007, 04:25 AM

Trek - I can help you with righting one of yours "shoulda's"...come on out to IL and I'll get you a ride on a combine (if you come in the Fall) or a BIG tractor any time of the year. :D

lph

04-19-2007, 04:37 AM

I would have told my brother I loved him.

I didn't even know until he was gone. I hope he knew. :(

Otherwise - I do believe in living without regrets, just with lessons learnt.

LBTC

04-19-2007, 05:38 AM

I would have told my brother I loved him.

I didn't even know until he was gone. I hope he knew. :(

{{{{{{{{{{{{lph}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

He does.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

spazzdog

04-19-2007, 06:09 AM

Career-wise, I would have accepted the telecom design job on the NASA project.

Life-wise... like my sig says, no regrets! As much as I miss, yearn for, even need certain things and people that used to be in my life, they aren't. I believe things happen for a reason...

Sometimes I even figure out what that reason is.

spazz

KSH

04-19-2007, 08:40 AM

What I would have done differently from the age of 17 ish to 31 (I'm 34 now):

1) I would have realized that I didn't NEED a man. I would have seen that I was fine on my own with my friends and having a date didn't mean a damn thing.

2) I would have seen that the guys I was dating were losers and treated me badly... and they wouldn't have made it past dating me a week.

3) I wouldn't have married one of the above mentioned losers and stayed with him for 5 years. Even though I vowed to stayed married until the day I died... I would have pulled my head out of my butt when I realized what a miserable loser he was, and I would have gotten the heck out.... unfortunately, I waited till he did it (once he decided to lose jobs, use my money, cheat on me and start using speed).

Even though my history with men has been depressing and dismal... it has made me the woman I am today. I don't put up with anything.

If a man can't treat me right, he's gone. I won't even blink an eye. My current boyfriend knows this... thus he has treated me wonderfully for 3 years.

lph

04-19-2007, 08:43 AM

{{{{{{{{{{{{lph}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

He does.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

Thanks, sweetie :)

Trek420

04-19-2007, 09:14 AM

Trek - I can help you with righting one of yours "shoulda's"...come on out to IL and I'll get you a ride on a combine (if you come in the Fall) or a BIG tractor any time of the year. :D

Hmmmm :cool:

indysteel

04-19-2007, 09:43 AM

I think it's hard to have regrets because everything shapes us to be who we are now.

I have spent a great deal of time thinking just that over the past year. There are number of painful experiences I've had over the years that have led, directly or indirectly, to some of the happiest parts of my life. Most recently, I had a difficult relationship and painful breakup with the man who inspired me to start riding and practicing yoga, both of which have helped me to dramatically reinvent myself. The cause and effect of that relationship really jolted me into cultivating a deep sense of gratitude for my life experiences, both good and bad. There's a mystery and wonder about the whats, whys, whos and hows of my life that I'm really trying to embrace.

My yoga teacher instructs us to be open to our in-breath, rather than to force it or to suck air in. For me, that's provided an apt metaphor for being open to my life. It's not that I live recklessly or without any kind of plan or goals, but I am trying to let go of certain preconceived notions about what my life or any experience within it is supposed to look like. As high-strung lawyer who's also a Virgo :) , it's proving to be very liberating.

By the way, in the midst of all of my soul searching this year, I read a wonderfully insightful and funny book called Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I recommend it wholeheartedly. It's about a writer who, in the midst of some tough personal crises, travels to Italy, India and Bali to explore, respectively, three parts of her personality--pleasure, spirituality, and balance. The book really resonated with me.

Kitsune06

04-19-2007, 10:07 AM

I would have put less effort into trying to be liked, and liked myself more; sought out people who liked me for who I was. That lesson took too long to learn.

I would've been a little more adamant that my health problems get looked into when I was a kid. My back, joint, and stomach problems are not hypochondria.

I would've gone out for school sports. Even if I thought I sucked. I must not have if the coach stuck me in for important games. I would've gone on XC with Megan in junior high. Punker Megan who shared my birthday and always came in last but tried anyway. At that age, it doesn't occur to you to tell people how proud of them you are, just for trying. We just laughed together about her being last, but could tell she had fun.

Among the coulda-woulda-shouldas, we need to accept that life follows the path it does because of all the things in our past. Maybe not 'for a reason' or to a specific, pre-determined end, but our own personal experiences dictate so much of our lives, personalities, options and reactions to everyday existence. The universe saw fit to show me darkness before I could experience the light.

Kitsune06

04-19-2007, 10:10 AM

Trek - I can help you with righting one of yours "shoulda's"...come on out to IL and I'll get you a ride on a combine (if you come in the Fall) or a BIG tractor any time of the year. :D

Hmmmm :cool:

oh! oh! Queen! Can I get a ride on your big machine?

...
*hangs head in shame* the temptation was irresistable. It was. :o :p

crazycanuck

04-19-2007, 08:38 PM

Can i get back to you when i'm 90yrs old?

C

LBTC

04-19-2007, 09:23 PM

Can i get back to you when i'm 90yrs old?

No rush, CC. ;)

I'd have waited til 90 too, if I weren't sidelined by this darned thing.

I think I'll go have a cry now.

Hugs & butterflies,
~T~

lph

04-19-2007, 11:49 PM

I think I'll go have a cry now.

Hey, we're right there with you.

Try throwing stuff. I hear flowerpots are good, but they make a bit of a mess. Plastic bottles make a nice thunk, though. :)

Bikingmomof3

04-20-2007, 04:24 AM

I cannot think of anything I would have changed. :) There were a few things I wish had not happened, but those were not things I could have controlled; preterm labours, seizures during delivery, 5 months on hospital bedrest with the twins, the twins being born so early and sick, my TIAs and strokes. As I see it, those are the curve balls, the challenges in my life that I had to meet and overcome. Overall I am very happy and blessed. :)

wannaduacentury

04-20-2007, 05:55 AM

Gogirl

04-20-2007, 11:36 AM

I would have had more kids and had them earlier. I would have ended dead-end relationships earlier. I would have kept my high-paying job so I could retire earlier...and bike more.

teigyr

04-20-2007, 02:34 PM

Indysteel,

I will look up that book.

And for all of those who would have left abusive or bad relationships, I agree wholeheartedly. I was there too. I reached a point in my life where I feel all I have to answer to is myself so I would try but there is no shame in walking away if I try to no avail. And there is no excuse for abuse, of course.

A long time ago I was an insecure 23 year old and went out with an abusive guy. I don't think he realized he was abusive but maybe he did. He'd do things like make me cry then say "I'm going out, are you coming?" I'd feel paranoid if he went out without me (he was a cheater) so I'd go but I'd feel ugly because my makeup was runny and my eyes were puffy. He would also do things like hold lighters up to me and if I jumped, he would get mad and say I didn't trust him. BAD man! My regret? None yet but he lives in the same state as me and IF I see him and don't act on my true feelings, I'll be regretful! :D I think I aged better than him, I'm in a far better place now, and he is doomed to live in whatever hell life he created. 'Course it wouldn't hurt if I kicked him in the shins too but then I'd be the abusive one :) Idiot.

lizbids

04-22-2007, 08:53 AM

What I would have done differently...

--Ignored the trashy girls that made my life miserable in jr. high.

--Go to film school when I had money for it (somehow taking out a loan for $80K right now for school seems absurd).

--Come out when I was in high school.

--Gone to therapy shortly after that

--Cared less about other people's opinions

These lists can go on, right? I can't help but wonder who I would be without these experiences. Maybe I wouldn't be as strong as I am now, you know? So, perhaps we can look back at the shoulda--woulda--couldas and feel anguish, or we can study our present and determine to make better choices that reflect who we are for the future.

That's probably the most positive thing I've uttered all year :p :p :p :p

chickwhorips

04-22-2007, 09:17 AM

as of right now, let certain comments slide off my back. not to let "stupid" people affect me. not to take life to seriously. i've learned that now, but earlier i didn't. i'm glad i learned that lesson.

otherwise, i'm still young and have so many things to do. i just hope i have tim to do all of it!

Trek420

04-22-2007, 06:14 PM

What I refer to as the "condo that got away". I shoulda told my agent "I want that, increase the loan". It was only 25K more than what I got (only???:eek:) near perfect move in condition, dog park 2 blocks away but more important a real nice, short, tree-lined, wide bike laned, quiet residential FLAT ride to BART and downtown.

shoulda woulda coulda....I've been happy here.

stella

04-22-2007, 06:55 PM

hmmm...
I would have gone to law school earlier, I just didn't have the confidence when I was younger.

negotiated better salaries for myself so that I could have more money saved for my daughter's schooling and me and my so's retirement....but we still have time!:D

I am happy with my life, I am just taking the lessons I have learned from the "what I would have done differently" and am incorporating them into my life. I came out at a young age during a "not so friendly" era in a very homophobic town with NO regrets. 99% of the time listened to my gut in relationships (only lived with 2), only 1 time I dated someone that my gut said "RUN." I learned a lot from that, though....like--trust your gut!:cool:

oh, yeah....Trek420, like you I had the condo that go away: it was 1987, the condo was dirt cheap in Provincetown, MA. I wouldn't take the risk...

lizbids

04-22-2007, 08:48 PM

I heard that, about not living with people when your gut warns you...but you know, all these wonderful things in my life wouldn't have happened if I didn't live with this insane person and straighten some things out in my own life as I moved away. Sorry...just came back from a wedding and am DELIR:D :D :D IOUS!!

CyclaSutra

04-22-2007, 09:05 PM

It's so hard to think in terms of doing something differently, because all my choices have made me who I am today.

If I had NOT let a boy cause me to drop out of school, I never would have moved back in with my mom and gotten a little bit closer to her. I wouldn't have had three years of journalism experience under my belt by the time I moved West. I might never have moved West, which is where it feels like I was meant to live.

OK, here's a good one: I would have NOT ridden crazy down an eroded singletrack and tried to hop the side at 20 mph, which resulted in a full knee construction and a 30-pound weight gain that I've spent the past 9 years trying to shake. Know your limits, ride within them.

But being a bit manic, living with abandon, being a little crazy... that's all part of me, and it's served me well.

Maybe a better question for me would be: "How would you raise your daughter to help her avoid some of your less glamorous choices?" But since I haven't yet decided whether to have one, that's a bit moot. Here's the answer anyway: Make her play sports, give her plenty of attention so she doesn't need it from boys, raise her self-esteem and keep it high so she believes she can do ANYTHING she wants to do!