Rude or just too sensitive

[solobiker]

Well, I will try to keep this short. As some of you know I moved away from my home in Colorado of 10years back to NY to be closer to family. After 7 months it just didn't work out for my DH and I so we moved back to CO and are currently living in an apartment until we can find a home. We kind of live in a bad area. Well any way, we were looking and driving by some homes and found one that we kind of liked. Well unfortunately it is under contract. All I said to my DH is "Things like this always happen to me". and he said "That is one of the things that I dont like being married to you" Is that comment rude or is it just me. I was so mad at him. We have been married for over 10 years, and yes, I can be a little negative, but even he agrees that things always seem to happen to me. So my ? is was that a rude comment or am I just sensitive. Thanks

[snapdragen]

Maybe a little sensitive, but a bit insensitive on his part too. Maybe he was reacting to your negative statement? As in "I don't like you feeling so down on yourself"?

[solobiker]

Thans for your reply, yes, I know I can be "hard on myself", I am trying to be better about that. Thanks for your "ousider" opion. It is greatly valued.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Hmmm...trying to figure it out. Maybe he didn't like that here you both were working hard looking for a home together, and this one didn't pan out ...and you suddenly "claim it" so to speak, as something happening to YOU. Not to both of you, but to YOU. Sort of cuts him out of the picture altogether in a way. It also makes it into a self pity kind of thing instead of something you are facing and experiencing together. Self pity tends to push other people away, because there is no room for anyone other than yourself. Don't get me wrong, self pity has it good times and uses. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you asked, and that's just a feeling I got when I read it and put myself in his place. In his place I would have felt shut out and pushed aside if my DH had said something like "Things like this always happen to me", it would have definitely annoyed me on several levels.
I wish you luck with finding a good house!

[solobiker]

Thanks Lisa, no I don't think it is harsh. When I read your post you made a great point in that it happened to both of us, not just me. Sometimes it is hard to look outside of the situation. Both DH and I have had a very stressful past 8plus months. Once again I have to compliment you ladies on this cite on giving unbiased advice.

[Grog]

If these words would have come out of my mouth - and they could have - it would have been meant as a joke to make the climate a little lighter. Not a very funny joke, mind you.

And if my sweetie would have heard me say that, as you did, he would have been a little offended.

And I would have felt bad about it for saying it, and eventually he would have felt bad about it for feeling offended because I was just trying to ease the atmosphere.

[yellow]

solo--been there (kind of). The move was tough, didn't work out, and now you're both dealing with the situation in your different ways. I suspect that if the circumstances were different he may not have said anything at all. Feeling bad person 1 + feeling bad person 2 = stream of negative consciousness comments. Give yourselves time to work through it all (and I mean a LOT of time. I'm still "working through" my move 1.5 years ago, a move that wasn't my idea and in which I was not generally in favor of). Make sure you balance the disappointments with lots of "I love You"s and good thoughts about the future that you share with each other. Give as much as you can (and I know how hard it is to give when you're feeling like you do). It'll really help in the long run!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

When two people are in a very streessful situation together, it's easier to push each other away and take it out on each other than it is to pull closer together. But to get through the hard times it will be better if you both draw each other closer for strength, and concentrate on keeping the negative feelings focused at "the enemy" rather than at each other. Maybe you should talk openly to him to clear the air and say you want to start pulling together to face the current challenges as a unified team? If he senses your loving intentions it might be a good positive discussion. Good luck!

[Trekhawk]

solo--been there (kind of). The move was tough, didn't work out, and now you're both dealing with the situation in your different ways. I suspect that if the circumstances were different he may not have said anything at all. Feeling bad person 1 + feeling bad person 2 = stream of negative consciousness comments. Give yourselves time to work through it all (and I mean a LOT of time. I'm still "working through" my move 1.5 years ago, a move that wasn't my idea and in which I was not generally in favor of). Make sure you balance the disappointments with lots of "I love You"s and good thoughts about the future that you share with each other. Give as much as you can (and I know how hard it is to give when you're feeling like you do). It'll really help in the long run!

Wise words from Yellow. Its really easy to see negatives as just happening to you and not everyone in the family. Each time we move I have lots of negative feelings and it normally takes me a good 18 months before I start feeling at home. In the beginning I would vent these on my husband but over time I have learnt that its hard for everyone and that I need to be more positive to help everyone, including myself, adjust (lol normally just in time for the next move).

I hope you find your dream home soon.:)

[Mr. Bloom]

I absolutely agree with yellow.

Silver and I keep a plaque hanging in our kitchen that says


"Love is a Decision"

I suspect hubby feels bad about the move, the move not going well, the return that sounds like is leaving you temporarily in a more difficult place than you started.

Every bad situation has something good in it...you just have to try to find it.

Years ago, I bought a small painting called "Dark Garden" by an artist with www.storypeople.com. It says:

I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do.

Sometimes, this perspective is easier to embrace than others...but I try to hold on to this.

[solobiker]

Thanks for all of your relpies, I greatly appreciate your thoughts and efforts. I know I have to be more positive which I have been working hard at, and I know it is not just about me. Sometimes it is just hard to look outside of my little "box" to see the larger picture. I will take all of your comments and advice and try even harder to live by them....Thanks again for all of your support. This is an awesome site with wonderful people. I just hope I can repay you all with an "ear" when you need one. :)

[Trekhawk]

This is an awesome site with wonderful people. I just hope I can repay you all with an "ear" when you need one. :)

LOL - just wait until my next move and I will give you a real ear bashing.:D

[Mr. Bloom]

Sometimes it is just hard to look outside of my little "box" to see the larger picture.

You share that tendency with 99.9% of the world (me included)...The proof that you WILL get through this is evident in the fact that you're aware of it and sensitive to it.

[singletrackmind]

Both.....for both of you. You were being too sensitive to his reply, he was being too sensitive to your mood. He was prolly disappointed too? As you well know, house hunting can make you nuts if you let it. :)

Don't know if it helps but we had 3 we liked and tried for but didn't get before finding this house. Way more perfect than the other three at an insanely low price on 3/4 of an acre. Been here almost 5 years now and in retrospect I am SOOOO glad we lost out on the others.

Best of luck on your search! Think as positive as you can, it's infectious. Maybe try blurting out random positive comments for practice. Aim them at everything, yourself (especially), your husband, the bike, people you don't know, everything. :)

[Brandi]

Wise words from Yellow. Its really easy to see negatives as just happening to you and not everyone in the family. Each time we move I have lots of negative feelings and it normally takes me a good 18 months before I start feeling at home. In the beginning I would vent these on my husband but over time I have learnt that its hard for everyone and that I need to be more positive to help everyone, including myself, adjust (lol normally just in time for the next move).

I hope you find your dream home soon.:)
Why do you move so much?

[Trekhawk]

Why do you move so much?

You can blame the Airforce for that. Although looking at the positives we would not have gotten the chance to live in the USA for three years if it wasn't for his job.

Trekhhawk - 8 months and counting until next move.

[pyxichick]

Solo,

I know this isn't in response to your question, but just a thought... Do you think that maybe you perceive lots of negative stuff happening to you because that is what you focus on?

I'm sure in the past several months there have also been good things in your life, but maybe you aren't giving them equal time.

:) kate

p.s. Mr. Silver, I love Brian Andreas' Story People! Everyone should click on that link for a quirky day brightener.

[solobiker]

yes, in some ways I do, it just has been a very stressful past couple of months. My DH and I are so happy to be back in CO and I know our current situation is only temporary. I know it is not a good excuse however I grew up in a family that was negative. My DH mentions it all the time that compared to his family mine is much more stoic, and usually not very chipper. I am very chipper at work because I feel that it helps my patients get through another day with plenty of laughs, i just have to bring that atitiude home. I guess now that I wrote that it makes much more sense to me. My DH deserves more of my positive attitude then I let him see. After I say negative things I feel bad and often get frustrated. On the positive note, I have gotten far better then I used to be many years ago. Hope all is well with everyone. S

[Mr. Bloom]

My DH deserves more of my positive attitude then I let him see. After I say negative things I feel bad and often get frustrated.

Don't just do it for him...do it for you as well.

You're a winner solobiker! Don't let temporary things get you down.