Keeping up with boyfriend

[susita]

I was hoping to get feedback on how other women deal with a faster boyfriend/husband/SO. I have been riding for years, loving it, and never felt slow until now. I'm not racing material - but he seems to think I could achieve this with hard work. I have already broken 2 arms trying to keep up with him - I just can't seem to realize his pace or skill level - especially at my age (48). I refuse to break any thing else - so I am dropping further and futher behind, despite training. I would appreciate any suggestions!

[mimitabby]

Hi Susita and welcome to TE

Tandem?

That's how I did it. he can't get away from me now. :D :D

[Pedal Wench]

Tell him to slow down, make him carry all the tools (extra weight), get him a heavier bike, and tell him to SLOW DOWN. If he wants to ride with you, it's partly his responsibility to make that happen.

[indysteel]

I'm not racing material - but he seems to think I could achieve this with hard work.

Is it important to you that you achieve this? If not, I would want to know why it's important to him that you do. I think it's great to realize one's full potential, but not at the cost of life and limb (or peace and happiness).

I think you both need to articulate to one another your respective reasons for wanting to ride together and to honestly access whether those reasons are, or can be made to be, compatible. If he's looking for a training partner and you're looking for companionship, you might have to either find a middle ground or admit that it's best that you just do your own thing.

My last boyfriend was a strong cyclist. We only road together a few times before breaking up (I got into cycling while we were together). While he was patient enough with me, I just didn't like the feeling that I was working my butt off only to be holding him back. I tend to think that if we'd stayed together, we would have ridden together only once in a while and with the express understanding that it was a social ride for both of us. I wasn't riding for his benefit anyway, so that would have been okay with me. In my opinion, it's better to happily do your own thing at your own pace than to grudgingly ride as a couple.

[mimitabby]

Okay, so Tandem isn't always the perfect solution. I find that i also like to ride a single bike. So here's what I do: I don't always ride with DH. Sometimes I let him ride with his gang ... other times we ride together with the understanding that he's going to stay near me. This way, he gets to spread his wings and get some good hard training, and yet, we still can ride together.

and sometimes we ride the tandem... we try to get the best of both worlds.

[teigyr]

Hi Susita,

I think that this is making an enjoyable activity be really stressful, at least it would be to me. I realize that people ride at different paces just by nature but but there's no reason for him to put all this pressure on you.

I've had situations where I've ridden slower and I've also had times when I'm the faster rider. When I'm slower, if the person wants to go ahead that's ok, we will regroup. Right now with my husband, I'm the faster rider because he is new to cycling. What I'm doing is riding behind him and going at his pace, for now. He's getting used to clipless pedals and being on a bike and all sorts of things.

I kind of wonder how he is ok with the fact you have hurt yourself trying to stay up. Maybe it's better to find other people to ride with and then when the two of you ride, make sure it's understood that it is social and not competitive.

Good luck --

[7rider]

Tell him that. Tell him you don't WANT to be a racer, you just want to ride with him.
It sounds like you can hold your own at a good clip, but can't - and don't want to - make that step into hammer-dom. He shouldn't always expect to hammer - and you shouldn't be miserable trying to keep up all the time. Riding together is supposed to be fun, right?
Sometimes, my DH wants to hammer and I don't. He either, (a) rides without me, (b) waits for me at the top of the hill or at some pre-determined spot ("Go ahead, hon. I'll catch up."), or (c) hammers with other riders, where I'm with the "b" group in the back. Multi-level group rides are great for that. We *sort of* are riding together, but in a group we find our own pace and hook up at the re-assemble points and the end. See if your LBS has group rides to join.
Good luck!

[spokewench]

Riding with a much faster SO or Hubby. I've been dealing with this since I first started riding. My husband is a natural endurance athlete, plus as a mountain biker he is great cause he rode and raced motorcycles as a young boy and man. So, you can imagine!

Anyway, I'm an athletic, if not greatly competitive, woman. So, when we first started riding we were late 20's, early 30's age wise (he is 5 years older than me). I've always had a great sense of preservation and realized there was no way I was going to keep up with him. We tried to ride together when we first started riding, but he was younger, much more into competition and wanted to race at all times so it was not a good mix. I had to learn that when he got on my case (as he would do regularly) like when I did not ride over a large obstacle that scared the bejesus out of me or something like that,:eek: I finally learned to fly him the bird and ignore the criticism. :mad: He was never able to keep his mouth shut! I just learned to take care of myself. If he waited for me fine, if not fine. The only time I made him wait for me was when I did not know the area and then we would just regroup.

After a while, we both realized what our potential as bike riders was and occasionally, he would just go out for a fun ride with me and that was usually pre-ordained from the start ( and with other riders).

I should say that most of the above, has to do with mountain bikes.

Road bikes is a little bit of a different story cause 1. I'm better at road riding (not as much handling involved) and 2. I can draft and learned race tactics so that I could use those to my advantage when I really am slower. So, when we rode or still ride on the flats, I can usually keep up unless he is intent to ride me off his wheel. On the hills, he is still too fast, but he will circle around to come back to me or wait for me at the top. It's usually not that long for me to catch up. On the road I do not have any trouble keeping up downhill so that is okay.

What we have learned is that 1. I'm not as fast and never will be. 2. on the road, we can ride together better and will ride together more often. 3. on the mountain bike, we don't ride together much, but when we do, hubby has learned that he will have to wait, or we will be creative in our routing so he rides longer and I meet him somewhere (stuff like that).:) It's all a compromise just like a marriage or a relationship and sometimes it takes a while to learn what the compromise needs to be.

Keep trying. Express your fears; express your needs; and express to him that women (with few exceptions) are not as fast as their male counterparts. So, even if you can keep up for a while, you are at your max and he is not. Eventually, he will come around a bit and you can have fun riding together.

spoke (I'm 46 years old now and much more of a selfpreservationist as before. Why? Cause things take a lot longer to heal anymore and guess what, I don't think I'm going to become a pro racer this late in life!:D ) We ride for fitness and fun at this time in our lives. If you hurt yourself, you are not helping yourself, making yourself healthy or even enjoying yourself. You need to tell your boy this stuff. It's not worth getting hurt.

[Crankin]

If your boyfriend wants to ride with you, he will have to slow down. Otherwise, you will end up hating riding! When I started riding, my husband was into riding very fast. But, he rode with me even when I was toodling along on my mtb on the road. He could no longer ride with our son (too fast), so he was happy to ride with me. When I got a road bike, I could go a bit faster and we started doing longer rides together. At one point, he was recovering from 2 broken wrists and then 2 cardiac stents, so I had my small window of being faster! But, as I have improved, he has become fine with riding at an average of 15-16, sometimes a bit slower on windy days. I can draft him at 20-23 for awhile and it's fun, but not what I want to do all of the time. He rides a bit faster when he commutes, so those are his fast rides. We ride with another couple, also. The guy is stronger than Steve, but they go ahead a bit sometime. My friend is much slower than me, so I usually end up alone, in the middle. But sometimes I ride with the guys if they aren't hammering. On group rides, we usually ride together, near the front, because we go on group rides that are not for racers. We also lead rides and we alternate leading and sweeping. If this is something you want to do together, for the rest of your life, you have to compromise. I am 53 and want to ride until I drop dead. At some point, speed becomes less important and fitness/fun becomes the goal.

[Aggie_Ama]

My husband is like Spoke's in ability and we pretty much do the same thing as Regina.

I just let him go (especially on hills) and he waits at some point. He worries about me, so he won't fully take off. Sometimes I am so far behind he thinks I have had a mechanical issue. :o We carry a cell phone each, so he can check on me.

Explain to him you love riding and spending time together, but you are just never going to be a racer. Maybe the ability is there, but if the desire isn't you won't cultivate that ability. I have the desire to improve, but I will never be as fast of my naturally athletic husband and I *think* he finally gets that.

Sometimes my husband will tack on an extra 10 miles of all out hammering once I am done. The best thing to do is to be honest and find some balance. Good luck!

[Kitsune06]

My ex was a solid cyclist. Speeds that were just effortless to him were gasping-for-breath-blowing-snot strenuous to me. While I've sped up a little, recently, at that point it always felt like I was holding him back. =P Then again, when he got car-biffed it was a good thing I wasn't right behind him. :p I can only smile about it now because he was okay... at the time it was terrifying. :eek: :(

[KSH]

1) We don't ride with only the two of us on open roads. I know he doesn't want to go my speed and I don't want to go his.

2) If it's only us riding, we go on a bike path and he's welcome to go ahead. I ride my own ride. If he wants to see me, he can slow down or wait along the path, or lap me.

3) If we go on a group ride he rides is ride, I ride mine. We see each other at the start and end and find buddies who are our speed to ride with.

4) If we ride together at a bike rally, he's welcome to speed off...we can meet at the rest stops.

[annie]

My DH and I are pretty much opposite of what I've read here. I am the faster rider. He is the slower when he even deigns to ride. I've been riding for a long time now. He only got into riding because I do. He rides only when he is training for something specific, and even then, it is at a leisurely (for me) pace. I made it clear from the start that I would rarely ride with him, at his speed. I'm sorry, but it is too difficult for both of us. I am miserable going that slow. He is breathless and still can't keep up with me. So what is the point? Neither of us will enjoy the ride. On the rare occasions we are on the same ride, we set meeting points or see each other at the finish. It works, tho' it may not work for everyone. I've heard so many suggestions about trying a tandem but I'd have to captain and I don't feel capable of handling his weight and mine. We've learned to make this work. I honestly think sometimes, for two different riders, it is the only solution. Hope you figure out what works best for you.

Annie

[Grog]

My partner - who until very recently was a competitive racer - and me - a cyclist with only a couple of years on the road, good general shape, but nowhere near his strength on the bike - ride together occasionally in the shoulder season, and it gets really complicated and unpleasant.

When I'm in top shape, in the summer, however, we can ride together. On the flats, I can hold on to his wheel for my dear life at nearly 40 km/h for a little while and I really find it a lot of fun. But it's not for every day. As soon as we hit the hills, I'm toast: I can't get up there as fast as he does. However, on rollers, I have a chance because I'm crazy about going fast on downhills, and I can muster enough momentum to get ahead of him... for a little while at least.

Most of the time though we just can't really ride together, but we still get out of the door together for day-long rides. If we're on a scenic ride, he carries the camera and has a 'picture quota' (he's mandated to take, say, 10 pics an hour). That slows him down a little bit. He'll wait for me at the top of the next hill (with the camera ready to shoot... so I better smile). Or he'll turn on side roads if they have a steep hill, go there for a while, and come back behind me (I know it's him because of the way he breathes...).

It took him a while to understand that when I said he should feel free to ride around me in circles, I really meant it. I still have to repeat it once in a while. Sometimes if I'm having a bad day, fitness wise, or a bad headwind, we can get in a nasty fight, especially if he's in the mood to hammer because he doesn't get a lot of time to ride. Now we've learned to recognize those days, and we're careful not to ride together then. Or we'll agree ahead of time that at X place he'll wait for me so I can catch his wheel (long flat stretch with headwind), and the rest of the time he can do whatever he pleases.

I don't think we're ready for the tandem. Too much communication is required. And I love the freedom of my own bike...

I hope this provide if not help at least some inspiration... You're not alone out there. But please don't break any more bones!!!!

[Pedal Wench]

I just had an idea. I realized that I like to ride forever. But, I'm not fast. What if you set out for a longer, slower ride. He will most likely have to slow down if he's gonna ride longer, and then you can keep up. It's worth a shot. Instead of going faster, go longer!

[LBTC]

This is an echo of what so many others have said. If you can agree to ride together once in awhile - a light day for him and a harder day for you, you should be able to enjoy some riding time together.

DH and I started riding at the same time years ago, and there have been times that we are the only riding partners we each have. We primarily MTB, but do some road also. He is naturally faster than I am. There was one season that I managed to get very fast and he was recovering from an injury. That was cool for me! :p

What works best for us? I do still look at biking as "training", even if there isn't a race coming up, so I do some really hard ride days and some really light ride days. DH kind of does the same. I typically try to line up my hard rides with his easy rides. We also try to do rides once in awhile that are purely social. Lots of times he goes off ahead and waits at a designated point; sometimes he'll "vulture" by riding back to circle around me; sometimes he rides behind me to keep me encouraged to keep a good pace. On some rides he's pleasantly surprised that I'm right behind him, and others he worries that something has happened. We both try to be the generous rider with each other and newbies. It's important to have someone who knows sweep, and we have both taken turns doing this. If I'm riding with someone new, I will sometimes get to a section I really really like - a section where I know there are likely no scary dangerous obstacles, or points where a newbie can get lost, and I'll just let them know I love this and I'm going to crank it. I'll have a blast and then wait for them up ahead. DH does that with me, too.

All in all, I think the message is that when you have different goals and different levels of speed and skill, that you just can't ride with each other *every* ride; but that you can probably find great ways to ride with each other some of the time.

Listen to what you and your body want; talk with him about what he wants; and find the scenario that works best for you both.

Happy riding!

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[midlife]

Ah, you poor thing! Don't break anything else - it's not worth it!!

What I do (and I'm about your age) is ride with a female - she's 10 years younger and we seem pretty compatable ability wise (boosts my ego when I can be faster than her too!) Sometimes we ride with guys from our tri club (the older ones!!) and talk about the pace up front so everyone is happy.

My husband either rides with his mates and then does some rides with me and is happy to ride at our pace. Where we ride is a cycling mecca so he often tears off after packs and chases them down (gets his cycling kicks doing that:rolleyes: ) and then either waits, or rides further and picks us up on his way back after we have turned around.

If you have a super competitive guy, I guess you have a problem but my man reckons he's happy to ride with us and perve at my bum ;) After 28 years of marriage, am I gunna complain about that?!!

It's a bit of give and take - if he can't discipline himself to ride at your pace sometimes, then get yourself a gal to ride with. After all, isn't it about togetherness and encouragement?

We also mountain bike and we start our ride together but follow different routes and see who can get home the quickest. My head got a bit big recently when he said 'gee I didn't expect you back for a while, you were fast' I do a fair bit of gym work lately and I find that has strengthened me and my 'climbing' ability-not that I ever had much anyway:)

[makbike]

BF and I have an agreement, we each ride our own rides when we ride with the club. He is much faster than I am so I typically only see the back of his jersey before he becomes a dot ahead until finally he is nowhere to be seen. He likes to go fast and I do not want nor need to be an anchor and slow him down. That saide, when we ride together he stays with me and rides at my pace. Would I love to ride with him more, certainly, but I also want him to have fun and enjoy his time on his bike so I ride my ride and he rides his and we meet up at the end to enjoy some time together. If I try to keep up with him I simply become frustrated and it spoils my ride. Everyone has to find their comfort zone and their time on their bikes.

[farrellcollie]

Two of my friends have this difficulty - one is a much stronger biker than the other. When they ride together - the stronger one rides her mountian bike in a harder gear ( i never can remember if it is lower or higher - just harder or less hard) while the other rides her road bike - it sort of evens them out and stronger rider feels like she got a good workout.

[EBD]

Ride in front! My BF is faster than me (without EVER training, argh), although not a ton faster - he would probably average 17-18 mph, I average more like 15. I almost always ride in front, because we've found I go a lot faster that way. It must be psychological - when I'm following, I guess I get lazy, or perhaps resentful, and tend to drop back. When I'm in front I push a lot harder. I guess the sight of open road is more inspiring to me than the sight of BF's back end.

If he just can't contain himself enough to ride a little slower, well . . . perhaps it's time to let go of the dream of riding together. You can still tinker and shop for gear together!

[oxysback]

I'm in a similar situation. The way we work it out is that on our regular route, I drive out and start where there's less traffic, and dh rides from home. He gets a good workout trying to play 'catch-up' and I'm motivated to be just a bit farther down the road when he does catch me. We usually ride the last 10 miles together. Heck, I can't even draft off him because he rides a recumbent trike!!

[Triskeliongirl]

I am 49 and my husband is a stronger rider. He is strong enough to ride with the fastest men in our club. So this is how we do it. For club rides, we start and end together, but ride with our respective peer groups. Our club rides usually offer a few distances so everyone can start and finish together, so I usually ride one distance shorter than him. If we ride the same distance, he'll pick up lunch or something while waiting for me to get in. We tour together, by having him ride the heavier bike and carry all the luggage. That actually works really well. The hard thing is when we are together on vacation on our racing bikes. I'll draft off him as long as I can stand it, but usually it is unpleasant. I'll be working my butt off, and he'll be shouting at me why can't I go faster, all I have to do it hold his wheel, that sort of thing, so when that happens I send him off at his own pace. A tandem doesn't interest me, I wouldn't want to give up control.

[LadyinWhite]

I'm in the opposite situation. My DH loves doing whatever I do so when I took up tennis, after I stuck with it a few years, he took up tennis. I'm a stronger tennis player but we have fun and the discrepancy between us isn't that great. When I took up road cycling, HE decided he would as well so he could spend time with me. I'm a MUCH stronger rider than he is b/c my work schedule leaves me a LOT more time to ride than his. In the summer, I'll ride every day, he's lucky if he can steal away 1x a week.

Consequently, I had to learn (and accept) early on that when we ride together, in the interest of marital bliss, we are just out for a ride. Toodling along and maybe we'll get 20miles in. He likes to stop and get cider and a donut etc.

I won't deny that there were moments initially when I cringed or clenched my teeth on a sat morning when I was headed out and he sees me and says "Great idea Hon, I'll go with you" Those days I just breath deep, let it roll of me and say to myself that there is always another day. The thing is, if my schedule was like his and I didn't have "another day." I'd be very frustrated.

Fortunately I do.. and.. if it takes sacrificing a ride to keep our 22yo marriage humming along smoothly, well so be it :) The way I see it, I'm glad he still wants to spend as much time with me as possible after all these years!
T.

[susita]

Thanks to everyone who responded - some GREAT ideas :) It makes me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one out there with this problem. I've been so frustrated. My BF is incredibly sweet and loves to ride together - but he just HAS to hammer it seems. He was very upset when I broke my arm, which I have to take ownership, due to poor judgement on my part - because I chose to push beyond what I could do. He rode with me on the trainer, side by side, while I healed. The worst is when we tour. He usually carried 2x the amount of weight but I still fell behind, especially on hills. I going to try having him carry everything next time - that's a great idea, lol! We've been riding more and more our own rides rather than together - guess we'll work it out. We do ride for two very different reasons - I ride to be out and to soak up scenery (and feel some speed) - He rides to push his body hard and to train. We're aware of this difference - just have to keep working on a compromise! I'm definitely going to see about finding another woman my speed to ride with. Haven't been able to talk my sister into it in the past 20 years and my kids are now too fast & crazy on the mtb - but if I keep riding with the clubs, I'm sure I'll turn up someone to ride with at my pace. Thanks again!