more sad news from bcipam...

[bcipam]

This last year has not been my best. Seems like I have struggling with recovery from surgeries and other maladies. I've gain back some weight which I worked so hard to get off. My riding sucks, even 20 milers are a challenge. But I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I started back to spin classes and I've tried to eat better. I was lookkng forward to 2 moutnain bike rides I planned this weekend and then I got the phone call...

Last night I went to dinner with a friend. On the way home my phone rang. It was my sister. I answered it. I could not understand a word she was saying, after awhile I realized she was trying to tell me her husband was dead. What??? Weird news makes you numb. She asked that I come as soon as possible and I agreed.

Now my sister lives in North Carolina and I live in California so that's not all that easy. Plus not exactly a planned trip so I needed to get some things done at work, called everyone, cancel doctor's appointments etc. I had planned on getting into work early, but instead came in late. This morning I decided to check in on my oldest nephew, whose 21 and away at college. So I gave him a call... it did not go well.

See... like many families this one has its share of dyfunctionalness (is that a word?). About a year ago my brother-in-law started drinking. It got so bad that each night with the booze and pills, he would pass out. My sister tried to make him get help. He refused. My sister got frustrated and against my counsel, moved out, with my niece into a apartment and left the husband with the youngest son (age 16) and the oldest son who came home from college on the weekends. The son believes Greg died of a broken heart, that all he wanted to do was love my sister.

When I first met Greg - he was a young, fun loving man. He clearly loved my sister and when they started having kids, gave his life to them. He could have made more money, advanced further in his career but he wanted to stay close to home so he could attend every ball game and dance recital. I always thought he was the perfect man. Maybe too perfect I guess. Greg had his demons but as long as he could focus in on his kids and his family, he could fight and chase them away. You see his father was/is an abusive alcohlic. He always thought his mother died due to his father's abuse. Greg never resolved these issues. He just hid them way down inside and locked them away for years and years. But I guess with his kids almost grown and gone (they ar 16, 17 and 21) and his wife back to work, Greg lost focus. He started seeing those demons again and maybe he fought them for awhile but somewhere along the line he gave the fight up, crawled into a deep dark hole and started thinking about how to end his suffering.

The oldest son called his dad every day. Two nights ago he spoke with his father and the father told him that he had taken out money from his retirement and paid off all his debt, including the hosue. The son at the time thought nothing of this but realizes now, sadly, that his father was saying goodbye. That night Greg went to bed, took all his pills, drunk his Jack and went to sleep. The next day the son could not reach his father. He would not call his mom who right now he hates and blames everything on, but did call the youngest son who called Mom. Mom called 911. They found dad, gone...

I'm writing this story part of therapy for me but also just to say to you all they are many lessons to learn from all this. Greg was a great believer in learning lessons from mistakes. Never get so wrapped up in your kids or wife or job as to lose your own identity. Never ever get so involved in your kids, that when they are gone you and your spouse have nothing to say to each other. Don't let your spouse, family member, friend drink themselves into a stupor. Drag them friggin kicking into a hospital and forced them to get help. Force them!!! Don't ever think you can't make something better. You can you just need to ask for help. Also if you have demons, and we all do... don't hide them away... fight them head on. Address them, get them out.

There is no one to blame but everyone takes blame. The son blames the Mother, the mother blames herself... who knows what Greg was blaming and what he was thinking. What an awful end to things. How does someone get in such a dark place they they can't climb out?

I fly out tomorrow. I want to give kudos to American Airlines - they rock. They found me a reasonable flight from John Wayne and the agent was very sweet and patience with me. I also have to commend my employer (Travelers Ins) they have this great counseling program, free to employees, and I have been speaking to them all day. Cause you know, talking helps it really does...

All of you with faith, please pray for me and my family and especially my nephew who now has so much hate and hurt inside. I know time is a healer but boy, there's alot of healing to do.

[Dianyla]

bcipam, I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

[Aint Doody]

Oh, wow! I'm so sorry for everybody. Hang in there. I pray that it all goes as well as possible. I surely hope your nephew and your sister can overcome all the anger.

[emily_in_nc]

Oh bcipam,

You and your family have my deepest condolences.

Sometimes it seems that lightning really does strike twice. It's very unfair, and I am just so sorry you're having to go through more painful times.

Just know that your friends here at TE are all behind you.

Travel safe and support your sister the best way you know how. Your spirit is strong and amazing!

Big virtual hugs,

Emily

[mimitabby]

gee, BCPam, I am so sorry to hear this story. Please grab your sister and her son and tell them, it is NOT her fault. She doesn't need to live with that guilt and her son doesn't need to live with that anger against his only living parent.
When someone commits suicide this way, it's an act of anger and violence against the rest of the family.
Your sister wouldn't give him something (what, her life?) and so he kills himself, destroys his kid's relationships with their mom, takes their DAD away forever, and what else?

I am glad you are going to help them out. Good luck and keep us posted, I am so sorry to hear this story.

[Trekhawk]

Oh Pam what terrible news. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

[jeannierides]

Pam, that is indeed terrible news. Without trying to hijack your thread with my own family, I'll just say that I certainly understand your grief, loss and questions as to how things could go so far.
You and your family are in my prayers.

[Fredwina]

Pam, that is indeed terrible news. Without trying to hijack your thread with my own family, I'll just say that I certainly understand your grief, loss and questions as to how things could go so far.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Same here, I'm having to manage the aftermath of some of my more dysfunctional family members descions long distance. But no deaths.
Take the time you need. and lets us know when you're back

[rocknrollgirl]

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your brother in law. I have walked this path, and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Ruth

[twin]

and will keep you in my thoughts.

[Wahine]

BCIPam - I hope that you and your family can find strength and support in each other and start the healing. It sounds like you have things in perspective and I hope that you can bring some of that to your sister's family.

Travel safe. Talk it out. I'll be thinking of you.

[sbctwin]

I am so sorry, BCIPam. Thank you for sharing at this most painful time. You and your family are in my prayers.

[wannaduacentury]

I'm really sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers. Jennifer

[mtkitchn]

Wow, bcipam....sorry to hear of all this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[LBTC]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BCIPam}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sending lots of butterfly energy - light, positive, and ready to carry away all those terrible worries and thoughts - to you and your family.

Hugs and lots of butterflies,
~T~

[Mr. Bloom]

bcipam, I'm sorry for the loss, the pain of your family, and the challenges you have sharing the burden with those you love.


2 Corinthians 4:7-9:
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

May God's grace go with you in your travels and your ministry to your family.

[bikerchick68]

Pam...

I think you know I work as a Crisis Interventionist with the local PD. I don't have a lot of resources for other states, but I do have this:

http://211.org/

click on "find your local 211 call center" and then enter the zip code where they live. It will give you a BUNCH of resources, including contact info for Survivors of Suicide. I cannot say enough how much I encourage the enire family to seek help in dealing with this loss.

It is normal that the nephew is angry... it's part of the grieving process. The hard part is learning to direct that anger in a healthy way, not towards other family members. There are many, many free support groups out there... with other people who have experienced the loss of someone they love to suicide.

Guilt is a normal part of this process as well... but I can tell you one thing. When someone decides, truly decides that they're done, and they're going to commit suicide, there is NOTHING anyone can do to stop them. At that point, it's just a matter of them finding the privacy needed to make it happen and there is nothing anyone can do. You cannot stay with them 24/7. The one thing you can say to your family, with total conviction is this: It's not your fault. It was his decision and not in your control.

No matter how many times they try to take the blame, repeat that phrase OK? Because it's the truth.

Hugs my friend. I can't begin to imagine.

[spokewench]

BCI Pam - I'm so sorry for your family. Just don't know what to say. Hang in there.

[annie]

Pam,

How devastatingly sad for you and your family. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. You've had some wise advice already from some of the ladies here. I hope that will help you. I also hope you can feel the caring and concern that's here for you. You will need that in the days and weeks to come.

annie

[snapdragen]

I'm very sorry Pam. Take care of yourself, and your family. Blessings.

[Pedal Wench]

This touches home with me. Please comfort your sister and make sure she knows that she did the right thing in getting out and getting the one child out of that situation. I was married to an alcoholic and firmly believe that I saved my own life the day I walked out. I tried to save both of us, but when that didn't work, I had to save myself. The son will come to realize this in time.

And, for what it's worth, I have Travelers Ins - love them.

L-

[crazycanuck]

(((((pam))) Sending you some sunshine & good thoughts.

take care

c

[margo49]

In my thoughts and prayers
Sometimes life is one-thing-after-another it seems like
Flights usually keep back a seat or two for politicians or people in dire circumstances apparently. I found this out when I had to get from Israel to New Zealand when my brother died.

Keep on the Look-out for nice and pleasant little things (flowers, sunrises/sunsets,acts of kindness,songs, etc) to keep your perspective.

[LBTC]

Keep on the Look-out for nice and pleasant little things (flowers, sunrises/sunsets,acts of kindness,songs, etc) to keep your perspective.

I love this idea. And I can help. If you PM me your email address I'll add you to my list and you will get a photo a day. There are people on my list going through all sorts of things and I hear from them that the photo helps to lift their spirits....it's why I do it.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[roguedog]

Much well wishing, healing thoughts and forgiveness vibes out to you and fam.

[hellosunshine]

allow youreself to feel every emotion,be true to yourself,its a ghastly time and surpressing things wont help because you feel you ought to,the beauty of this forum is you can be honest and unload and no one judges.we all care.xx

[lph]

aaww :(
Life sucks.

Angry can be good. Helps you feel on top of things, and better than just sinking into a stupor. As long as it goes away with time. Try to help him be angry at the depression or alcoholism that skewed this poor mans reasoning so terribly. Hang in there.

[Bad JuJu]

I'm so sorry for you and your family. I know firsthand what devastating effects alcoholism can have and how difficult it can be for the rest of the family. I'm not a woman of faith but I know you are, and I sincerely hope it's a comfort and support for you in this difficult time. I'm sending out compassion to all of you.

[East Hill]

I am very sorry to hear about that bcipam. Those are some big issues for you to deal with all at once. Don't ignore the advice to get some help--we don't want it to overwhelm you...because it IS overwhelming.

East Hill

[GLC1968]

Wow, Pam. I'm so very sorry for all you and your family are going through right now. You will all be in my thoughts.

Please take care of yourself.

[SalsaMTB]

bcipam,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. My thoughts are with you and your family.

I've been through a similar situation. Please remember he couldn't escape the demons inside and he is now free. I hope your nephew can eventually let the hate go and learn to accept that there is no one to blame for this sad loss.

[bouncybouncy]

Just wanted to send some virtual support...wishing you and your family strength in this difficult time!

...and yes, try to see something beautiful everyday, just a little something to lift a bit of spirit!

[mtbdarby]

This touches home with me. Please comfort your sister and make sure she knows that she did the right thing in getting out and getting the one child out of that situation. I was married to an alcoholic and firmly believe that I saved my own life the day I walked out. I tried to save both of us, but when that didn't work, I had to save myself. The son will come to realize this in time.

L-

I second Pedal Wench. Pam, I know you don't believe this right now, but no one can force an alcoholic to get help. They have to want to do it on their own. I had the courts force my ex into treatment. He was a nice guy to me for about a month and went back to his old habits. One thing I would highly recommend for everyone is Al-Anon and Ala-Teen. It's free and there are chapters and meetings literally everywhere. Get the family to a meeting. Just sit there and listen at the first meeting and go with your instinct after that. It was by far the best gift I gave myself to heal.

((hugs and prayers)). This too shall pass even though the burden is heavy. Trust in the Lord Pam and he'll see you through it.

God Bless,

[IFjane]

Pam you and your family are in my thoughts. The TE family will be here sending you good thoughts and strength to deal with this. Hang in there and don't forget to get help not only for your family but for yourself, too.

[7rider]

I'm sorry to hear about this, Pam.
This is an awful lot for everyone to go through and I wish you all strength and healing.

[doc]

Wishing you strength and wisdom to help your sister and her family.

[Tuckervill]

>>All of you with faith, please pray for me and my family and especially my nephew who now has so much hate and hurt inside. I know time is a healer but boy, there's alot of healing to do.<<

It's only natural for family members to be angry when their loved one commits suicide. I hope your nephew is able to focus the anger where it belongs, on his father, instead of pushing away his mother. They are going to need each other. She couldn't have done anything to stop him from committing suicide, and he would have done it anyway.

I'm sorry for your family's loss, Pam.

Karen

[Bikingmomof3]

Pam,
I am so very sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.

[Thistle]

thinking of you and hoping you all get the support you need.

it's hard... it's a year ago today my father-in-law suicided. It's true what bikerchic68 said "When someone decides, truly decides that they're done, and they're going to commit suicide, there is NOTHING anyone can do to stop them"... i keep reminding DH, brother-in-law and gorgeous sister-in-law of this.

Keep reminding your sister and her children. They will need to hear it.

again, i am so sorry to hear this :(


{{{bcipam}}}

[chickwhorips]

i am so sorry to hear of this happening to you.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i295/fairie1323/grouphugg.gif
sending you extra strength to get through this hard time.

[Grog]

Good luck Pam. You're a very strong woman... I hope your sister and her kids have half your strength.

Big hug.

[Raindrop]

(((((((BCIPam))))))))

I just lost my brother to suicide 2 1/2 months ago and can empathize with what you are going through. I have had so much support from the women on this site and have looked into many of the websites that some were kind enough to post about.

Although it is still very fresh and raw for me, if I can do anything at all, or if you'd like to get in touch with me...please do. It isn't an easy process.

Take care of yourself.

[logdiva32]

Lord, there is a family whom you know. A family separated by pain. A child of yours has removed himself from this world without your permission, Lord. We pray for this family and all of there friends, that they not be overwhelmed with guilt and pain. Allow this family to griev and heal, Father. Do not let guilt and blame burn such a whole inside these children that they cannot see who loves them, Lord. Lord you know the needs of this family, I ask that you care for this family in there time of need. In Jesus name, Amen

[mary9761]

I'm so sorry for your pain.

[RoadRaven]

Oh BC
My thoughts remain with you - I include you every time I light a candle and send out healing, love and protection for those I know who may use it.
Hugs

[Geonz]

Tryin' to surround your numbness with warmth here...

[Brandi]

I am with everyone here as well! I have similar family troubles. So my heart goes out to you and your strength to keep it together! And sharing is such good therapy! My dh is now jsut understanding my need to talk about stuff. He realizes it is good forme to get it all out! Goos luck and let us know how things work out! Safe travels!

[Bluetree]

Hope everything works out, Pam.

Despite all the sad things lately, I wish you a happy birthday! :o :( :)

[bcipam]

=sigh= so I am now back home. I am so glad to be back home in my little apartment loving on my needy little cat who missed me and just dealing with my own petty little issues. I was suppose to leave Saturday but extended my stay out to Tuesday as my sister had just so much stuff to do. Have any idea what a mess there is to go through when someone dies? Geez! We have to reconstruct all the bills and paperwork, call everyone from creditors, to banks, to business associates. Send out death certificates etc. How does someone dealing with grief deal with all this crappy paperwork? It's almost impossible.

Anyway I believe everyone has a "spiritual" gift. Mine is counseling and discernment. But I can also put aside my emotional and deal with the task at hand. In essense I played the "heavy" all week and had to bully my sister time and time again to move in the right direction. She was so incredibly emotional I finally sat her down and asked her "why all the crying? what's the deal?" OK sure she just lost her husband and father to her kids but she also left him several months ago and did not want to be married anymore. When someone does that I assume they no longer love that person. She should have been relieved not sad that he died (sounds hard doesn't it but it's reality). I got her to admit all the fuss was about her guilt. She assumes she is responsible somehow for Greg's death. Reality check - I told her "...of course she is responsible in some ways and Greg also bare some responsiblility but all the wallowing in pity isn't going to help her and the family get over the tragedy so stop crying. Get a handle on yourself. Act with dignity and get through this".

Here's the point I'm trying to make... long ago both Greg and Mary decided to make their children the upmost priority. Now if you are a family the family is most important but the family also includes the mother and father. You cannot forsake the foundation of the marriage to make your children happy. If the foundation is not strong, the family crumbles and crumbles hard as in their case. All you moms and pops out there, yes your children are so important and should be loved and hugged and handcarried through life to adulthood but do not foresake your spouse so your children can have whatever they want. As much as possible let your spouse know they are truly loved and you cannot live without them. Even if it is not in your nature tell them you love them and not only tell them show them. A quick hug here and there is all it takes. Mary admits that after the kids got older she and Greg had nothing together. Nothing to talk about and they grew apart. Greg feared losing Mary but being such a "guy" instead of dragging them both into counseling and talking, he just got quiet and withdrew into a bottle. The real sadness about this all is that Greg's withdrawal and Mary's failure to force help cause the children to also become estranged. The oldest son (age 21) stopped talking to his mother about a year ago and most likely will always blame his mother for his father's death which he claims is due to a broken heart.

Anyway, probably TMI... I just have to say it was a long week and 1/2. Lots of tears and emotional but hopefully the healing is started. The mother and oldest son have reconnected. Part of that involves having to put down Greg's dog, a very sweet and wonderful but very old German Sheperd (Louis you were such a good dog). Very tense for both mother and son (and of course I'm the mediator) but once it was done and Louis went to be with Greg, mother and son could hug and laugh and agree to start anew. I'm this old lady who lives alone with a cat and the first part of the week was living in an apartment with my sister, her two youngest kids, her friend Paul (it was his apartment), my mother and father, my sister, and our friend Susan plus two dogs and two cats. Yes I was alittle stressed out. My sister is now in her own apartment (OK as if the stress were enough but she elected to find a new place to live and move no one wanted back in the house).

I think financially she will be OK. The Community stepped up and someone has paid for all the kids schooling (the youngest - as did the oldest - go to an expensive private school and the oldest is at UNC). People are providing counseling and financial planning. One other note I want to add... I have learned that when times are dark and bleak people will come into your life who seem to have good intentions but that's not the case. Many people have also stepped forward to prey on my sister's and her oldest's weakness and I pray they have the strength to discern who those people are. Especially the Oldest - long story but he has some real demons to battle.

Anyway since this is Valentine's Day (bah humbug!) I wanted this message to go out to all you lovers and friends as a reminder to put loved ones first but not to your own destruction. Remember most people do need to hear the words "I love you" once in awhile. Hug your kids and do what's right by them but also give them the skills to deal with adversity. Don't give them everything - let them earn important stuff and by doing so give them confidence and the understanding of gratitude. Know when to seek help when it's needed and don't ever keep secrets from friends and family. The secrets you keep today will be shouted for all to hear once you get to Heaven (or hell). If you keep secrets how will friends and family know to help? Keep safe your loved ones and do what's right by God.

Looking forward to returning to work and handling the mundane... also can't wait to ride again. I so longed for my bike!

[Veronica]

Thanks for the update Pam. I'd been wondering how things were going for you.

V.

[mimitabby]

Nice Email
You did a great job Pam.

Everyone should be lucky enough to have someone like you in their family.

[missymaya]

Hey bcipam,
Your one tough gal and it's good to hear from you, especially hearing you wanting to go foward in a positive motion. Keep hangin' in there and things will get better with time.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

BCIPAM,
Your post shows how compassionate, wise, strong and loving you are.
Keep healing and be extra good to yourself. You are an inspiration to others going through heartbreaking events.

[Ninabike]

Hey Pam, Glad you're back. Stay in touch.

Prayers, as always,
Nina

[LBTC]

BCIP, your post has me nearly speachless. I have to tell you how inspiring you are to me.

You've had a lot go on this past year in so many ways, and you've shared it with us with such patience, grace, compassion, wisdom...all the qualities that I most admire and wish to develop in myself.

Thank you for sharing these painful times with us. Now take some time for yourself to process all of this, to honour this experience, and to help yourself heal even more! You deserve the best spa day or the best most fabulous ride, whichever makes you feel more pampered!

Hugs and butterflies!
~T~