Not sure I should even post this.

[Raindrop]

:( My brother, who was such a great guy...ski bum, biker and all around free spirit committed suicide.

I am so totally devastated that I can't think, can't function well and sometimes...have trouble breathing. It's totally sucked the energy out of my life and everything seems kind of unimportant now.

My bikes sit in the holders. I have pretty much given up workouts for myself. However, since I'm an in-home personal trainer I did get back to my clients this week. I also teach indoor-cycling which I also got back to this week. I can be very professional and conduct my training and cycling sessions, but the joy for my own training is gone. I'm just a slug. I have so much sorrow that I can't move on my own right now.

Sorry if this is not the place for this, but I'm just soooo sad right now.

[jobob]

God, what a horrible experience to go through. I cannot begin to imagine the kind of pain you're in.

Raindrop, the fact that you're able to get back to work in spite of all that you're going through shows an incredible amount of strength and resilience and courage on your part.

Would you consider seeing a grief counsellor? This is such an awful thing to have to deal with on your own. I think you might need a real person to talk things through. Not that we're not here for you too.

Please take care of yourself. The bikes will be there when you're good and ready, they're very patient that way.

[salsabike]

Raindrop. I am so very sorry. Please know we are thinking about you and your family. And that it will not always feel this horrible...

[GypsyAngel]

I can't imagine the heaviness of that pain. Please know thoughts are with you.

Gypsy

[LBTC]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Raindrop}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry. This is horrible for you. The days will get better, the heaviness will get lighter, you will emerge, like a butterfly, changed, but more beautiful than ever before. Trust yourself. Trust the universe.

In the meantime, grieve, seek comfort, be sad, be still, be every thing you feel whenever you feel it.

Know that we, like your bikes, are here for you. We are ready to listen, ready to share, ready to offer comfort...we are here whenever you need us.

Hugs and butterflies, raindrop

Namaste,
~T~

[lph]

Oh no. Oh, I am so, so sorry. :(

I'm glad you can or have to keep up some exercise, it will help you in the long run. Not biking or working out at all would give the sorrow an extra hold over you that it doesn't need. You probably won't get any joy from it for a while, but exercising makes you more stable for the long haul.

After my brother died (heart attack, not suicide, which must be SO much worse) I found a quiet track in the woods where I could ride and cry and scream and cuss without seeing anyone.

We're all thinking of you. Hang in there.

[East Hill]

Raindrop, even though we may not be with you physically, we are there for you mentally. I think most have experienced the pain of losing a loved one and how it hurts to even think about it.

Sometimes it's easier to talk to us because it's too overwhelming to talk to people face to face. Don't be afraid to talk to us.

Let us know if we can help.

East Hill

[rocknrollgirl]

I am so sorry. Walking the path of grief is a very difficult journey. It will get better with time, but until then, be gentle with yourself, and give yourself the time that you need to grieve.

My thoughts are with you and your family. I am so, so sorry.

Ruth

[Hammer]

My condolences. It is never ever easy to lose a loved one. I lost my father 5 years ago. It hurts like hell. My heart goes out to you. I didn't go to grief counselling. I threw myself in to work. Though, sometimes I think it would've been beneficial. You'll always miss your brother. I think of my dad often. Someday, I hope that you'll find solace in your rides and work outs because being active is something that he enjoyed too.

Until then, may peace be with you.

[DeniseGoldberg]

Raindrop -
My heart goes out to you as you mourn the loss of your brother. I hope that your good memories of him will help you to get through your sorrow.

On the riding your bike front - I really believe that you should follow your heart, don't force yourself to do anything that you are not ready to do. One thing that may help is to use your bike as a memory tool. Go and ride, and use your ride as a quiet time to remember your brother. Don't push, don't train, just ride, remember, dream.

I'm sending healing thoughts your way.
--- Denise

[doc]

Raindrop, How incredibly sad. I am so sorry this happened. Allow yourself to heal in whatever way that makes you comfortable. There are no "have to's" and there are no time-lines. Your brother will always be alive in your memories.

[Bad JuJu]

I'm so sorry Raindrop! I can't imagine what you're going through. My best friend lost her twin brother a few years ago, and she went through the same inertia you're describing. She also found it hard to begin enjoying life again. She went back to work, more or less on autopilot, but it took more time before she went back to doing things she loved. You just have to grieve for a while. I think Denise made some very good suggestions that may help.

Sending compassion your way.

[Bikingmomof3]

((((((((Raindrop))))))))) I am so very sorry. A loss of a loved one is never easy. You will stop hurting so much, a little bit here and a little bit there. Remember all the good times you had with your brother. I would imagine many of us have lost a loved one and can emathize. I shall be keeping you and your family in my prayers. Give yourself time to go through all the stages a grief. You will return to biking when you are ready.

[Popoki_Nui]

Dear Raindrop: I can't even imagine what you're going through. I'm not even sure what to say to comfort you, if even such words exist, but we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers and you move through this devastating time. Please accept our sincere condolences for your loss.

Alofa Nui Nui.

Sherry and family.

[KnottedYet]

((((Raindrop))))

I am so sorry for your loss.

Grief counselling helped me. If you feel like looking into it, you can call the crisis line and ask for a list of resources. Many of the hospitals have grief groups, too, if you feel a group situation would be more useful. But don't feel like you have to do counselling. Do what works for you.

And we are always here on TE. (((hugs)))

[Tri Girl]

Oh, Raindrop. I'm so saddened for you. That fact that you're returning to work is a huge step forward. I can't imagine your sorrow, but know that we're all here for you. Big hugs....

[margo49]

My brother was an alcoholic and died at 40 - just 6 months after my father. That lethargy you describe is familiar to me. I think it is a natural reaction.
It does pass. But it takes time.
I always think of Douglas and what an amazing person he was. We were 2kids so I am the only one now.

In my prayers...

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

My heartfelt sympathy to you. I lost my brother under awful circumstances as well.
There will be a period of numbness...non-feeling, non-reality, difficulty sleeping and difficulty feeling emotions. That's like a self-protecive thing our body does to keep us from shock. After that probably periods of both sad helplessness, missing him terribly, and also anger directed towards him but then turned back on yourself -because being angry at him is not "acceptable".
I say these things because it may help you to know that all this is simply normal and is part of the process of returning to life slowly over the next couple of years. The pain and sadness will never go away, but your life will come back and you will see all this in a different way. The pain will morph into a new strength within you, and one day you will "forgive" both your brother and YOURSELF, and be more at peace about it. This process takes its own path and its own time. Don't be afraid to get some counseling, even just for a limited time to get you over a bad hump.

Please take extra special care of yourself right now. Eat healthy things, excercise on occasion to keep your physical body feeling well. Exercise can also produce chemicals that make us feel better, and calm our minds. Crying makes us feel better too, so embrace that too.

(((((Sending hugs to you....)))))

[margo49]

Yeah, that misdirected anger thing LisaS.H. describes is so real.
Your mind plays some funny tricks on you out of grief and hurt.

[suzieqtwa]

Raindrop,
Im so sorry you are going through this especially during this time of the year. My warm thoughts are with you...it takes time to heal.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) Suzie

[wannaduacentury]

{{{Raindrop}}} I'm really sorry for your loss. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Jennifer

[SalsaMTB]

Raindrop,

I'm so sorry for you loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[hellosunshine]

you are so brave opening up and sharing this,i think thats a sign that inside you do have the strength to pull through this.all bad times do pass,memories never fade,experiences mould us into who we are.wishing you a bucket of courage and hoping you never have to appologise for talking about it ever again,you did the right thing.

[snowtulip]

Raindrop, thanks for opening up and sharing. I'm sorry for your loss and my thoughts and energy are with you. I echo what everyone says, we're here for you to unload on and express your feelings.

[Pip72]

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I'm glad you shared it with us. Over the years my cycling has meant so many different things to me. I hope that it helps you through this period in its own way, but don't push things - you will know what you're ready for and when.

The most amazing thing though is that you've shared things with us here. That's so incredibly brave.

When life got hard for me earlier in the year, for a while I wanted to sell all my bikes as I couldn't see how I could ever cycle again. I have discovered that I can though and that once again it is cycling which is helping me to move on - small steps at a time.

Please look after yourself as others have said and keep in touch with us all.

xx

[bcipam]

Raindrop, hope you realize you never have to ask if you should post something so personal or not. This forum contains an amazing group of women and I think it creates a wonderful network of support.

I cannot begin to understand your loss and how hard it is for you. I can only tell you that I have a brother who fell from grace and got himself into alot of trouble (having to go to prison). It was a horrible ordeal for my family and it has taken years for all of us to accept the reality of what occurred. Place no blame on yourself. Your brother made his choice without thinking what he would leave behind, alot of hurt and disappointment from his loved ones. Acknowledge the loss, discuss it with your family and each strive to move on. Tough, I know, but time is your friend.

[eclectic]

Raindrop - a big, silent, teary hug goes out to you.

I know the feeling of the numbing, choking pain and feeling like you are living in a surreal world where nothing else seems to have importance, the heartache overwhelms everything.

My older sister is an attempted suicide survivor (3 separate incidents). It is only by the grace of God that she is still with us. She has been able to give us insight on what it is like to be in a suicidal state. She told us that once the decision was made nothing anyone could say or do would have prevented her from doing what she did.

When and if you would like to know anything more of what she said please feel free to PM me. Her description helped me with the "Why?"

You will run the gamut of emotions, circle yourself with loving, caring people and allow yourself to grieve. Grief counselling is an excellent idea and it helps.

Prayers go out for you and your family ((((((Raindrop)))))

[KSH]

Oh Raindrop... this is the place. *Soft Hugs*

What can one say... to something like that? It's horrible... it's tragic... and you have every right to feel so depressed about it.

All I can say is that I am sorry... and I send my condolences. Although the words seem pretty useless at a time like this.

[sbctwin]

{{{Raindrop}}} Thank you for sharing your struggle. Remember, grief has stages and one doesn't hop through them. There is no timetable. We progress the best we can. One day, you will see a rainbow again, but the process of grief will take time. You are in my prayers....

[kelownagirl]

So sorry Raindrop. There's nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said but you are in my thoughts... :(

[ridethewind]

Raindrop...my condolences on the loss of your beloved brother. Give yourself time to heal and allow your friends and family to help you through this awful time. I'll be thinking of you.


__________________
Jean

[Raindrop]

I'm in awe and humbled by all of your responses. They do help me because I can feel the caring behind all of your words. And, those that shared their own personal grief, thank you for what I am sure, brings up some of those awful feelings that are right on my surface now.

It does help that I can confide in cyberspace because right now, my face-to-face encounters are painful and especially with the people that express their condolences...tearfull.

I really do thank you all. I just needed to share some of my pain in a space that I've always felt had nothing but support. This site is so perfect because of that.

[momof4greatkids]

I am so sorry for your loss. You have made a good step in reaching out to share your pain. I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but I will be praying for your comfort and peace in the midst of this heartbreaking tragedy.

Colleen

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

It does help that I can confide in cyberspace because right now, my face-to-face encounters are painful and especially with the people that express their condolences...tearfull.

I really do thank you all. I just needed to share some of my pain in a space that I've always felt had nothing but support. This site is so perfect because of that.

This is a safe place full of gentle loving women, where you can say whatever is on your mind or in your heart, anytime.

I so understand that avoidance of face-to-face-encounters. It's triply hard when the death is not of natural causes. I remember long ago when my brother died, my mother just could not deal with people's questions and concerns. When we would run into an acquaintance on the street and theywould ask about my brother, for a whole year she would simply say "He's fine, thanks."- because she could not bear to explain what happened or hear their awkward shocked condolences.
I don't blame you for trying to avoid that right now. I'd do the same. Better to be with closer friends and family who understand and are grieving themselves.
Just know that through all the roller coaster of feelings and changes you will go through about this, that your love for your brother and his love for you will not change one bit. Nothing can change that.

[makbike]

Raindrop, I can't image what you and your family are going through at the moment or what you will face in the future for the pain must be unbearable. Cherish your wonderful memories of your brother and please take care of yourself. Know the members of this forum are always here for you and sometime simply having someone to talk to is all that is needed to help one through a tough time. Please talk to us and know thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[newfsmith]

Raindrop, you will never feel the same again, but you will feel alive and whole again, and able to enjoy life. You will always remember the things about your brother that you loved, and the things that you were angry at him for will eventually not anger you. The "why" is always hard to come to grips with, no matter how your loved one died, but it is part of your grief work.
My brother was killed in a mine accident when I was in college. I didn't have grief counseling then, it hadn't been invented yet. Since I didn't do a particularly good job of working things out then, it set me up for a long period of depression as an adult. Since you are having trouble facing people when discussing your loss, you may find it helpful to find a support group for the families of suicide victims. Hearing others talk about their feelings, and stages of working through their loss may help you see that it is not an impossible task, but is a long process.
Be very kind to yourself, and let people give you a hug. You deserve it. I'm very sorry for your loss.

[bambu101]

Raindrop, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I realize that it is unbearably painful right now, but time will help, and someday, you will allso be able to think back on the good times with your brother. Sending big hugs to you.

[Sparxx]

Hey Raindrop, so sorry to hear of your loss.

Lost my little brother to suicide about 15 years ago. I felt for ages that I somehow could have prevented it (so did my other brother). He seemed to have so much to live for. But it was his choice, his call.

Time WILL heal. You don't forget but you forgive them for going so abruptly.

Hang in there.

[colby]

Raindrop, our thoughts are with you. :( It may not seem like it now, but you'll make it. He will live on in your memories, your thoughts, and all of the time you've shared. You will get through this, and you will find yourself again.

[bikerchic]

My sincere condolences to you and your family.

Please take all the time you need to grieve and don't be one bit concerned about others your friends and family will understand and offer you support as well as a shoulder to cry on.

Be well, be gentle and most importantly cry.

Hugs,

Kate

[IFjane]

Be well, be gentle and most importantly cry.

Hugs,

Kate

Raindrop, I agree with Kate. When my brother was killed (Vietnam) many many years ago, I remember feeling I had to be the "strong" one in the family. I did not cry for over a year & when I finally did, the tears would not stop. Let it out and keep coming back here for support - we are here for you.

-jane

[Haudlady]

Oh, Raindrop... I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. What a sad and overwhelming loss for you and your family. I hope you will give yourself permission to be gentle with yourself through the emotions and challenges.

I am thinking of you.

[mtbdarby]

Raindrop, ((hugs)) and shared tears with you during this aweful time. My niece has attempted suicide many times and is still with us but I agree with those that have gently reminded you this was his choice, ill-begotten as it is. I wish you healing thoughts as you deal with the pieces he has left behind. We're hear if you ever need to "talk". Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

God Bless,

[slinkedog]

Oh, dear Raindrop! I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and grief. My hopes for healing and peace are with you. May you be blessed.

Shannon

[maillotpois]

Oh Raindrop - of course you should post your feelings and thoughts about this here. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling, but I hope that talking about this with folks here, and perhaps a grief counsellor, will help you to heal. I thought Denise's suggestion was great - use the quiet bike time, when you're ready, to just let yourself meditate and think about your brother.

Take care of yourself.

[Thistle]

Hey Raindrop, so sorry to hear of your loss.

Lost my little brother to suicide about 15 years ago. I felt for ages that I somehow could have prevented it (so did my other brother). He seemed to have so much to live for. But it was his choice, his call.

Time WILL heal. You don't forget but you forgive them for going so abruptly.

Hang in there.

Raindrop, I'm so so sorry :( Sparxx is absolutely right - dont ever blame yourself or think "maybe i could have done something".

I have worked on crisis lines with suicidal callers, after having been suicidal myself on and off for many years. I admire you so much for this posting. It can be such a taboo topic.

It can be hard to understand what drives people to think they have no options left but suicide. My own experience as a sufferer of depression, and later as a telephone counsellor, is that it's like wearing the kind of blinkers they put on a horse. Whereas normally you can see to the left, and to the right, and straight ahead, and all the choices that are out there, as you become more and more depressed and suicidal those blinkers close in and narrow your field of view until there is only one option left. The unthinkable. It really is all about stopping the pain. The worst part is, when people are in that place they have no understanding of the hurt and devastation their actions will bring to those that love them.

I am so thankful every day that I never had the "courage" to carry through. It breaks my heart to think of the pain I would have inflicted on those who love me. To me that is the cruellest part of suicide... the devastation it brings to others.

I hope this doesnt offend anyone. But, I honestly just wanted to let you know that I believe your brother would never have thought he was hurting you (or others). In the distorted thinking of depression he would actually have believed he was doing the world a favour. People who suicide are simply overwhelmed by pain and unable to ask for help.

I am so sorry for your loss :( You didnt deserve to lose him, and he didnt need to go.

[bikerchick68]

http://211.org/ReferWeb/MainForm.aspx

Raindrop.... I have not been on so hadn't seen this til today. The link above is for 211. You can also just pick up the phone and call the number 211... they give referrals for any and all type of crisis. There are many, many help groups available to you and your family. I encourage you to find a survivors of suicide group... the other attendee's will be going thru the loss of a loved one to suicide as well and will understand all the emotions you're experiencing.

Please, please remember this is NOT your fault. Once someone decides to commit suicide, it's only a matter of time until they achieve it. :( This was your brother's decision, and while guilt is a normal part of grieving, I again stress this was HIS decision and is NOT your fault.

I really hope you'll reach out and get some help working your way thru the grieving process. You don't have to go thru this alone. Hugs...

[solobiker]

Raindrop, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in my thoughts. I don't want to offend anyone, but I want to thankyou for posting this. I have been in a very bad place in my life in the past couple of months and the past few weeks have been unbearable. I have to admit I thought about things like that, which scared the you know what out of me. Lucky for me i have a few vey close friends who I have been able to talk with. I am slowly pulling my self out. Today, I work as an occupational therapist with the geriatric population, one of my patients said something that brought a smile to my face. mind you he is a big 6'4 350 pound guy. He always has a smile for me. Well anyway he said to my "you have everything" with a smile on his face and I said what do you mean? his relpy was "whatever you want" and you know,, he is right. I will pull through this eventually. Raindrop once again, I am so sorry for your loss, but thanks for posting because we all can support you in your time of need. All my thoughts Q

[Katiek]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and amazed at the strength you've shown so far. I also want to echo the people who have said how important it is that you don't second guess yourself and wonder if you could have done something else. You couldn't. Depression is an illness as real and deadly as any physical ailment.

I know the pain seems unbearable and at this stage all you can do is try all you can to get through the next day. Mourn and grieve in your own way and don't worry if it doesn't seem like you're going through the "right" stages or if you're on the "right" timeline. Eventually, the pain will lessen and it will be easier to focus on the good things about the time you shared.

I don't know you in person, but I hope you know how much support you have here and I hope you come and share your thoughts whenever you feel it would be helpful.

[Raindrop]

I've read through all your posts with tears in my eyes...and I've read through them often, but I don't have enough words to explain how all of you comfort me. It's very strange that I can't contact my real friends (except for a very, close few) to even tell them about what happened, but I came to a board where I am faceless and anonymous and feel so comforted.

I think it's because all of us are united in a common love of cycling....and then, because this forum is so nurturing, a common bond of being women.

I have to thank each and every one of you for your kindness, and for some, your shared stories and experiences. Right now, I'm still struggling. My mind is in kind of a fog I guess. The other day, on the way into the grocery store I realized I was wearing two different shoes. Sure, they were both black, but that's where the resemblence ended. One was a Keene and the other an Adidas.

I stay in daily contact with my other two brothers and one is going to therapy, the other isn't, but I worry about him the most because he had always been closest to my brother Rob. They skiied together, fished together and never lived more than forty miles from each other for most of their entire lives. He's the one who had to go and finish moving all Rob's stuff out of his place. It makes me cry to even think about how hard that was for him.

I'm kind of rambling. But I did want to let you all know how much your support has meant to me. This is such a very special site, and unlike any other in that it is so supportive.

Thank you.

[mary9761]

((((raindrop)))) I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

[crazycanuck]

Raindrop, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I've no idea what to say as the other ladies have said it all.

Take care of yourself.

c

[sbctwin]

Raindrop, it will be "one day at a time", maybe one hour at a time, but you will make it through. There is no timetable on grief. The why's pop up and go unanswered. In time, it will get easier, but memories will persist. You will go over, and over, and over the issues that keep plaguing you, but time heals if you let it. I found, for me, years after a tramatic event in my life, I still ask "why". I know there will never be an answer. But time has healed and I go on. I look back, question again, and go on. I hope, you too, will find peace.

[Geonz]

{{{{{{{{{{{what they said}}}}}}}}}}}

When I lost my mom... well... healing comes in unexpected places... do not let your heart be troubled ...

[kimba]

Hey Raindrop...
First off, hugs to you.
Please know that I have some understanding of how you feel right now. Please accept this in the most respectful and supportive way. And granted, the circumstances are somewhat different, but the pain is the same.Today is the 1st anniversary of my brother Steve's death. It has been very hard for me.
He was also a great guy...my soulmate, my best friend. We "got" each other. We loved music and old movies, and the Titanic, and British comedies.. Some nights we'd just stay up, groovin' to old classics, or watching a concert DVD...laughing and joking.
He died very suddenly as well. But- due to an insidious disease, we knew we wouldn't have him forever, and just the month before, I'd said to an acquaintance that one day I'll get a phone call...just telling me he's gone.
It was as if somebody flipped a switch...one second he was here, and then he was gone. He was on the phone when it happened, to a friend in another province, who called 911. There was a problem responding and finding the number...he was a cop and kept his number under his mom's maiden name. His friends found him the next day, the phone still in his hand.
I have never reacted to a death like that before...I got the call as I arrived at work, and stumbled through the back door. My legs didn't work. I half crawled to the office and collapsed. All I could do was say nonononononono.

The last time I'd spoken to him, was about a month before. I'd had a weird premonition. I was driving along the Upper Levels highway and suddenly started to cry. All I could see was his face. I pulled over, and called him on the cell phone. "hey bro...call me an idiot, call me stupid, but I have a very bad feeling, pleaseplease call me."
He did. "Hey lil sis, I'm not going anywhere...got lots of stuff I'm gonna do."
The last thing we said before we hung up, as was our custom, was I love you and I miss you.
I have that. And I have great memories of our time together.
Raindrop, hold on to those memories of your brother that make you happy. Those are the most important. Find the silliestthings...and hold on to them tight. They'll flit through your mind so quickly...and the bad ones will eventually flit through too..let them go...revel in the good ones.
You'll find yourself going through many different phases. The denial...the sadness, the grieving. It hurts like hell...but it's all important. Let it happen. Don't hold it in.
I went through the guilt too...I am 4000 kms away. (It was the first time in 10 years we weren't going to be together for Christmas.)
I couldn't be there for him...but I couldn't have *done* anything either. You always want to blame yourself in some way. If I...could I....
No. Don't beat yourself up. No guilt.
Try to celebrate him. You'll never forget, and as long as you remember, he'll never be forgotten.
For me, Christmas is hard. That was OUR holiday. In fact, we'd do other family/friend obligations...and sneak together around Midnight Xmas Day.
He'd always have great xmas lights displays, and the tree could be seen through the window..and when he knew I was on the way,he'd take an old brass ships lantern, and light it up and put it outside on the top step. And invariably, I'd come up the drive, with a light snow falling, and there'd be that lantern, softly glowing through the snow, warm and inviting.
We'd stay up all night and chat. Get up in the morning, make a big brekkie...and get our stockings and presents. For us, it was important to have no politics, no petty familial bickering. Just us. Just us kids. Kids again..only this time on our terms. And we'd put a log dvd on the tv, and listen to sappy Xmas music..and tear open our presents, and laugh, and watch White Christmas. And Holiday Inn.
April's hard too. We are both "Titanic" babies...born 3 days and 5 years apart.I was the last day anyone saw Titanic...he was the day it sank.
Yep- we'd get together and watch Titanic on our b'days...and usually got a small Titanic gift.

I try and do things in his memory. I'll be watching White Christmas in his honour this Xmas, toasting him with a glass of wine... I'll watch Titanic on our birthday.

I am going to a Native ancestor honouring ceremony. I'll beat the drum for him.

And I'll tell people about him. Tell people about your brother. Share him with others.

It will get better. It will. It'll take time.
If you need to talk, email me. Got big shoulders. I've been there.

{{{{{{{{Raindrop}}}}}}

Kimba

[logdiva32]

I am sorry. My sister was killed in Aug and brother in Sep that leaves me all alone. I need counseling but will not go for fear of losing my job. (govt) But if you can, please just try it. For both of us ok....

[kimba]

Oh my...what a tragedy! I am so sorry...
but you must try and get some kind of counselling...especially if you are alone!
There must be a group you can contact, some people you can meet. You have to help heal yourself...I know the job is important, and you probably use that to help hold yourself together, but eventually you might just stretch too thin... I went through this...you can't deal with the pain, so you transfer your energy to your job, to other things. You don't think about it, that way the pain doesn't come. But when it comes and you aren't prepared...it's devastating...you HAVE to take care of yourself. For their memory.For yourself.
Please.
Try and find someone in your area.

{{{{{{{{logdiva32}}}}}}}

[Pedal Wench]

Raindrop, I can't even read your post, but wanted to add my sympathies and condolences.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Oh man, sending love to ALL of you. Life can be so hard on the heart.
{{{{{oxoxo}}}}}

[lph]

Hey Raindrop, how are you doing?

Christmas sucks when you've lost someone you love.

A big hug to everyone out there who's mourning someone. Hang in there.

[Raindrop]

I'm hanging in there. I've been lurking, but don't really have a whole lot to say right now.

This season is hard on a lot of people, not only those who've lost someone, but for those who've lost their marriages, their jobs, their sobriety, their children/friends to drugs etc.

It has made me want to be nicer to everyone...even when they are being crabby or exasperated. You just never know what might be going on in their life that might be behind their behavior.

[LBTC]

I'm hanging in there. I've been lurking, but don't really have a whole lot to say right now.

This season is hard on a lot of people, not only those who've lost someone, but for those who've lost their marriages, their jobs, their sobriety, their children/friends to drugs etc.

It has made me want to be nicer to everyone...even when they are being crabby or exasperated. You just never know what might be going on in their life that might be behind their behavior.


Raindrop, I'm glad you're doing alright. And your attitude is quite amazing! How very kind of you!

We need more Raindrops in the world, don't you all think?

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[tygab]

Hi Raindrop,

I was not on the forum much in late Nov/early Dec, so I missed this initially entirely. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I know but only a little of what you are going through. I wrote about it here also earlier in Nov:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=11604

You can PM me if you want to talk about anything. Please know that you are not alone and there are people you can talk to, both close by and afar who can relate to the challenges you are facing.

Take care and a ((((hug))) from me. I am feeling very sad as I type this.

[emily_in_nc]

Raindrop,

I also missed this thread as I was on vacation when you posted. I am so deeply sorry to hear about your brother. In some way I can relate to what you are going through, because my father was killed in a car accident in Oct. '05, and it was the most devastating experience I have ever had to go through. It was too sudden...too shocking...too wrong...too soon...too overwhelming...too everything. I was a complete emotional basket case for some time afterwards, and even now, I still have my difficult moments. I miss him terribly and always will.

I couldn't ride my bike for nine months after the accident. I just couldn't make myself go back out on the road, the place where my dad was killed. He was in a tiny Honda Civic and didn't stand a chance against a huge pickup, much as we cyclists don't if a motorist doesn't see us. There were some parallels in my mind, so road riding seemed a very scary thing.

I finally started mountain biking, because I missed riding so much. I loved it. I started feeling like myself again. It did wonders for my spirits, and I could hardly wipe the grin off my face. And a couple of months later, I tentatively got back on the road too. I haven't ridden on the road much, but when I did, on roads I felt were safe, I felt good, and found that my fear was very close to being gone. It felt great to be back out there. Just getting out there was the hardest part. I don't know that I will ever ride the way I used to -- it was my main focus of life for a couple of years, but then I had a cycling accident that broke my pelvis, and six months later my Dad's accident changed me forever. But I still enjoy the sport and hanging out here and chatting, riding the trainer, attempting to mountain bike, etc. I am feeling much stronger emotionally today, but it has taken awhile. Healing doesn't happen overnight.

Give yourself time to grieve and heal. There is NO timetable except that of your heart and soul. You will know when it is time to ride again, and your bike will be waiting.

A quote from one of the books I read about sudden death really stuck with me. It said "You don't get over it; you just learn to live with it." I've found that to be true.

I wish you peace.

Emily

[salsabike]

Raindrop---we're still thinking about you, still caring about you. Please just know that.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Raindrop---we're still thinking about you, still caring about you. Please just know that.

Yes, what Salsa said!

[Patti37]

I'm hanging in there. I've been lurking, but don't really have a whole lot to say right now.

This season is hard on a lot of people, not only those who've lost someone, but for those who've lost their marriages, their jobs, their sobriety, their children/friends to drugs etc.

It has made me want to be nicer to everyone...even when they are being crabby or exasperated. You just never know what might be going on in their life that might be behind their behavior.

What an amazing attitude you have! It is true that we don't know what is going on with people we meet in our every day lives.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[bambu101]

Raindrop, Well-said and so very true. You just don't know what is going on with people that you encounter. Last year, my father was gravely ill with kidney disease, and my sister and 2 brothers and I spent the holiday season helplessly watching him get worse and worse. He passed away on December 30th, and I can remember going out Christmas shopping, and becoming furious that everyone else was all jolly and festive, and my dad was dying. It was an awful holiday season, and this year we will all be thinking of him and trying to celebrate in spite of the huge hole without him there in our family gathering.
Hugs to you and everyone else who has lost someone they loved this past year.
Wendy

[missymaya]

Raindrop
I'm deeply sorry for you loss. The pain somtimes feels almost unexpressable because it's so overwhelming but it will dull in time. Keep your brother in your memories. There will be times when you will smell something or hear something that will bring up a memory of him and it will hurt because it will also remind of you of his loss. Embrace those memories and the feelings, for they will help you go through this painful time and help you grow stronger and more understanding as well. My thoughts are with you.