Small problems but at my wits end

[Thistle]

Ok, i feel a bit bad whinging about my problems, when i know there have been so many people with real problems lately - like cyclists getting killed and badly hurt.

But I am so fed up i need to write something :mad:

I work with this child.... she's 27 chronologically, but a child emotionally. She has been running a hate campaign against me for 3 months because I didnt go to a trivia night she organised. She claims it's because i asked to move out of her office - which i did, the two of us talked to much and our work was suffering - however that took place 3 months before she stopped talking to me and after i moved out we shared a hotel room for a week at a conference with no problem, so it obviously isnt about that!

She has a history of doing the no-speakies thing. And i'm partly to blame, cos when she's done it in the past i'm been so relieved when she started talking to me again that I didnt tell her how unacceptable her behaviour was.

So this hate campaign has gone on since 18th Aug. I could go on and on about it, but it's basically bullying - and plenty of it. This has been really upsetting, and i've had so much trouble getting past it. But yesterday I spoke to her supervisor (we are both phd students) and the supervisor is going to tell her she needs to be professional at work. Her supervisor could see it was clearly a problem with her, not me. So that made me feel better. Although it was surreal to have her supervisor ask me how she should approach the topic with the student :eek: :eek:

But everything else is getting on top of me too. I took this afternoon off to wait for the tradesman who was supposed to come last week (they didnt show then either) and when i rang to find out why he's late, they tell me "no, you've got it wrong, he's coming tomorrow". Anyway as i write this i realise how trivial it is.

So I think i'll calm down by going out into the garden. Big mistake - we have a neighbour who demanded we cut down a tree - we live in a new suburb so this is a big deal - we dont have many trees. He threatened to kill me... yes my husband was there and he can confirm that that's exactly what he said, because this guy doesnt believe "women should speak". Well because we have pets and they're home all day and we're not, i said to hubby we'll cut it down otherwise he'll poison our dog (i've seen him beat the living daylights out of another dog in the street, so i wouldnt put it past him).

So i get past losing the biggest tree in our garden for no reason, and while i'm angry about the tradesman i go outside for some calming nature - and to see why one of our other trees is not getting leaves. I noticed it as i drove out the other day (yes and i havent been able to ride all week because of appts and coming home for tradesmen :( ). Guess what? The tree is dead, as is the wisteria beside it. These plants were perfectly healthy up until a month or so ago. The wisteria had already bloomed.

I am so fed up. Why do crappy people get away with this type of behaviour. Neighbour has just left in his car, and i am so tempted to go and tip a pile of weed killer all over his garden, but i know i wont because i believe in karma and i believe you reap what you sow. So i just wont do it.

But i'm mad as hell :mad: :mad: :mad: and i want these selfish crappy people to get their just desserts. When will it happen :confused: :confused:

I sick of being teary and fed up. I try to be a good person who does the right thing and lately all i'm getting is crap (sorry about the language) in return.

God i'm sick of this. I just want to see someone who treats people badly get what they deserve. Is that so bad?

[mimitabby]

So I think i'll calm down by going out into the garden. Big mistake - we have a neighbour who demanded we cut down a tree - we live in a new suburb so this is a big deal - we dont have many trees. He threatened to kill me... yes my husband was there and he can confirm that that's exactly what he said, because this guy doesnt believe "women should speak". Well because we have pets and they're home all day and we're not, i said to hubby we'll cut it down otherwise he'll poison our dog (i've seen him beat the living daylights out of another dog in the street, so i wouldnt put it past him).

So i get past losing the biggest tree in our garden for no reason, and while i'm angry about the tradesman i go outside for some calming nature - and to see why one of our other trees is not getting leaves. I noticed it as i drove out the other day (yes and i havent been able to ride all week because of appts and coming home for tradesmen :( ). Guess what? The tree is dead, as is the wisteria beside it. These plants were perfectly healthy up until a month or so ago. The wisteria had already bloomed.

I am so fed up. Why do crappy people get away with this type of behaviour. Neighbour has just left in his car, and i am so tempted to go and tip a pile of weed killer all over his garden, but i know i wont because i believe in karma and i believe you reap what you sow. So i just wont do it.

But i'm mad as hell :mad: :mad: :mad: and i want these selfish crappy people to get their just desserts. When will it happen :confused: :confused:

I sick of being teary and fed up. I try to be a good person who does the right thing and lately all i'm getting is crap (sorry about the language) in return.

God i'm sick of this. I just want to see someone who treats people badly get what they deserve. Is that so bad?

So you DID cut down your tree? I am so sorry to hear that! YOu can't turn that guy in to the police for threatening you?

I wish I could tell you that bad people get their just desserts... Because i am not sure they do...

I have been going through some garbage with my own sister today and she sounds like your coworker. I thought everything was okay again and she's just turned the page and wants to quibble and pick on MORE stuff.

Hang in there and don't let those people get you down!

[guanajagirl]

hey the small things add up so quickly. Sometimes you have periods of life where you feel like your going around knocking your shin into somthing. Nothing thats gonna kill you but it sure hurts like hell. Keep your principles and good luck dealing with your neighbor. Sounds like a nut case :eeek:

[Thistle]

thanks Mimi. I did ring the police when he threatened me and lodged a report, but the policewoman said there is little they can do unless he actually does something to me :eek:

He's a pretty unpleasant guy, he came close to physically assaulting me, and i was really worried about our pup. I could just see her eating bait and dying slowly while i wasnt home.

Sorry to hear about your sister. It sucks when it's family. I know, cos half of DH's family dont talk to us or his youngest brother... cos DH and the youngest went out, married and got a life. The remainder of them still live at home at 44, 42, 40 years of age. And they've never moved out :eek: :eek: play duelling banjos at this point!

[light_sabe_r]

Theav! Just throw your pup's poo into his veggie patch. ^_^ Or better yet in this drought stricken climate we're experiencing... THROW IT ON HIS ROOF SO IT'LL BE WASHED INTO HIS RAINWATER TANK! REVENGE IS SWEET!

He'll have no idea why his drinking water tastes so bad...

Actually a mate of mine had a rat die in their tank... She kept wondering what that weird taste in the water was... When her dad found it the whole family dry wretched and ordered a lot of spring valley water. :p

Anyway Tell him to move go back to the dark ages. It's 2006 and women have been granted equal rights for almost 110 years in this country!!

NOW on with the tree. You could always do what NOOSA CITY COUNCIL does and what the Redlands Shire and Brisbane city are looking to adopt.

A shame game.

Erect a sign out the front of your house that says something like

"These trees have been poisoned by a heartless man looking to improove his view" Noosa also places the fine for damaging private/council property and a crimestoppers number on there.




As for the other girl at work. What is it with researchers and our odd personalities eh?

I work with a girl who comes from a farm. did her degree in Equine studies, I'm a country girl too so I thought we'd get on.

We don't. Our personalities REALLY clash! Since she has gotten here she has made my life miserable. i try to be nice and give all the time I can give but it started eating into my own work time.

Now she keeps complaining her persnal space is being invaded. She claims everyone yells at her (including our supervisor who can't yell to save her life but will yell to cheer on the Broncos!) AND as an extra annoyance she puts on a "I'm so sweet and innocent" voice on when she's on the phone! YARGH!!!! ;_;

Plus she keeps harping on about how her contract ends in january. SO We're in Science. EVERYONE is on one year contracts!!


Yup I feel your pain. No ideas other than keep talking to your supervisor and ignore her unprofessional behaviour.

[Velobambina]

Be patient. Karma is the great leveler and while it might not be apparent or happen quickly, what goes around will come around for the mean folks. In the meantime, maintain your dignity, don't give them any reason to be mean to you (be polite to them, in other words), and try not to waste your energy on them.

[doc]

I recently had a bunch of mean people dump on me too. One example:
I am a volunteer soccer coach on a little local league for 8 & 9 yo girls. One mother accused me of purposely not notifying her that our soccer team had a game so that her daughter, who isn't the best, would not be there and we'd win. In fact I did email her, but in one of those email glitches, she didn't get it.

Meanwhile I am volunteering my free time for this. Plus, I rotate every kid in an equal amount of time, and in whatever position they want to try, because this is supposed to be fun.

I know that sounds small, but when you think about it, she is accusing me of being so cruel and selfish and mean that I would exclude a little kid from her own team just to win a game. I was super hurt by the accusation. So I told her so. She proceeded to yell at me some more, demanding apologies, and as for me? Her exact words were, "Get over it". I literally cried that night.

So my point is, we have no control over the people around us. We can hold our heads up high knowing we did the right thing. And then we have to do something nice for ourselves because we deserve it. I feel your pain and frustration!

[DDH]

Goodness, I don't know what is wrong with people these days, but you see this kind of stuff all the time.
It's become such an "all about me" world. No one wants to take responsibility for their actions, and blame everyone else. People treat other people with loath and disrespect.
I find myself getting very cynical and that really isn't like me and it really bothers me that I have gotten this way. It's hard not to though.

I guess we just have to learn to not let these kinds of people get to us and know inside that we are good and do our best. These others are just miserable and because of such, want to make everyone else around them the same way.

Try not to let them get to you. I know it's hard, but just count to 10 and think to yourself how happy it makes you that you are not such a miserable person as they are. Then look them square in the face and tell them with all the sympathy you can muster, how sorry you are they have such miserable lives that they feel they must make everyone else the same way.
Do it with a smile and sincerity and then turn and walk away.
They won't know what hit them, and this keeps you from lowering yourself to their level.
Now I need to learn to take my own good advice.:D

[7rider]

It is their dinosaur brain taking over, according to Berstein and Rozen:
http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-047161808X.html

Sad that folks often have so little regard for others. I thought it was a problem in the US. Sadly, it seems to be universal.

[doc]

Here is a little video to cheer you up (monty python)

http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

[Quillfred]

Theav

Your neighbbor sounds like a dangerous man to me. There are too many angry people who can't control their tempers. The newspapers are filled with the results of their rage.

I think it is sensibile to fear this man. Not to give him more power but because that you know he is already capable of violence. I don't know if it is feasible for you, but I would move if I could.

I just had an irresponsible neighbor cut trees on our mutual bank. Although technically on his side of the line, the slope is a slide area and the trees were integral to the stability of the hill and our house as well.

I had one contact with him. Luckily for us, the city here has strict regulations on this thing and I was able to make him stop and get proper permits and hopefully he will restabilize the hill. I don't think he will retaliate.

In the meantime, you are right to resist retaliation because he will probably come back at you, miserable ba$tard that he is. Sorry you are having a hard time.

Quillfred

[eclectic]

No ideas on the gal from work other than best wishes

Re the neighbor. Why does he want the tree cut down? He has every right to cut down any part that is over his property. Let him get a court order if he wants the entire tree down.

If he came on my property I would file a trespassing charge against him and you do have the right to file a disorderly conduct charge re the threats. Even if it doesn't stick it is up to him to prove innocence more than you need to prove guilt. (I know this first hand because of my stupid and I mean dumber than a box of rocks, neighbors )

the saying goes "tall fences make for good neighbors" Are you able to build a a very tall fence on his side

Re poisoning the pup - I can see where that is a very legitimate fear. We had a dog poisoned when my kids were young - very traumatic, I don't know how this could be prevented if someone was bent on revenge and psychopathic enough to act on it.

Good luck and let us know how everything turns out

[wannaduacentury]

I agree that karma can have its own negative effect. As for work issues, I(we-the whole store) had this PIA asst store mgr and he was so full of himself arrgh, he even had an affair w/ a girl in my dept and they both denied it, but he went on a business trip to help stores after Hurr. Katrina and bragged about his affair(go figure) he also had several sexual harrassment cases against him, at the present job and those before in which he was fired and he got fired from this one too. No one could figure out why his nice wife w/ 2 beautiful kids wouldn't leave the jerk. Well I heard he's working for his brother at some restaurant and I can only wonder, which waitress he's baiting now. When he was fired, he was in the middle of a transfer and no one was sad to see him go.
I had another job where the mgr was another horses patoot and he was mean to me as well- he got sacked too and I still had my job. Just goes to prove. Hang in there. jennifer

[Thistle]

Thanks for all your responses. I feel better just reading what everyone has to say. It was awful to have to tell DH about the tree and wistera... he gets so upset! So it was a tough night cos he doesnt handle this stuff well. Added to that when the tradesman finally got there (I got mad and told them they had to send someone this arvo and to my surprise they did!) it was bad news re the heating system.:(

I like the idea of shaming, Light. We have a friend who is a horticulturist and i'm trying to get hold of her to come round and give us a professional opinion re the tree and wisteria. Might send it off to testing. It would be nice to be able to prove it was poisoned, even though we already know it was (it borders his property). So i think we'll give the sign thing a try.

We have thought of moving.. particularly last night.. we talked about it a lot. Even though this man is probably late 70's, he's as fit as a malley bull, so i think he's gunna be around a while :( . Even though moving is a hassle, it's probably less hassle than spending another 15 years living next door to him. As DH says, we could always give a family with teenage drummer sons a big discount on the house :p And as i said to him this morning, we could build a garage big enough to house our growing stable of bikes :D

As for my fellow phd student, ugh. I like your idea DDH.. it sounds like a good option to try. I'll give it a go. I think it will make me feel better to be able to confront her in a non-confrontational way.

The book sounds fascinating Regina. I am currently waiting for another one "coping with difficult people" by Robert Bramson. I have the tapes of this and they are excellent, but i had to order the book from the US and of course it's not here yet! :p maybe we should move the US... that's where all the good cycling clothes and other goodies are! But then you gals would have no one to visit when you travel downunder :D

And Doc.... that is such a great link! Has left me smiling for the day! :D

Thanks girls, your responses help so much.

Thea

[Quillfred]

"As DH says, we could always give a family with teenage drummer sons a big discount on the house."

Funny you should mention this. That is exactly who moved into our prior house. :D :D

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

....These others are just miserable and because of such, want to make everyone else around them the same way.
... I know it's hard, but just count to 10 and think to yourself how happy it makes you that you are not such a miserable person as they are.

Similarly, I try to think just one thought- how happy I am that I am not them. That I don't have to live inside their mean selfish brains 24 hours a day and live their miserable little lives BEING them. When I think about that enough, it helps me to distance myself from them. They WANT you to be upset with them! Don't give them what they want. Feel sorry for them instead. Don't confront them in anger or with sarcasm. Best not to confront them at all. Play it straight, polite, and calm and you'll never regret your actions later.
I know, easier said than done. But I do try to turn my mind around that way if I can, simply because i know it will make ME feel better. :o

[mimitabby]

I can see it now:

House for sale $350,000

If you have 1 son who drums, $300,000

If you have 2 or more sons who are enthusiastic drummers, $240,000

home visit required for approval

[Duck on Wheels]

Theav wrote "Although it was surreal to have her supervisor ask me how she should approach the topic with the student"

Yep, this is a widespread weakness among academics. Many of us go into science thinking we'll be able to work quietly and peacefully all by ourselves, so we don't really work on our management skills. Avoidance and denial are high on our strategy lists. But when push comes to shove, most of us are nice people and we do try to weed out the sociopaths ... eventually. Let's hope your respective supervisors work this out.

Otherwise, I liked the shaming suggestions. And I liked your idea about getting the dead tree and wisteria (and the soil around them) tested first. Best not to jump to conclusions. If they have been poisoned, I think you should go back to the police. They might be able to get a search warrant and find the poison on his property, in which case they might be able to at least fine him for property damage. If all else fails, then you it might make you feel better initially to put up a public warning sign, but that would be escalation and he might bump up his attacks as well. Oh dear. Where is that wrath-of-G'd lightening bolt when we need it?

If other's worries are any comfort, we seem to have an arsonist in our neighborhood now. Two fires last night -- one in a dumpster next door and one in a garage another 3 houses up. Scary! We have a whole cord of winter firewood stacked in our carport!

[mimitabby]

If other's worries are any comfort, we seem to have an arson in our neighborhood now. Two fires last night -- one in a dumpster next door and one in a garage another 3 houses up. Scary! We have a whole cord of winter firewood stacked in our carport!

no, not a comfort at all! I always imagined Norway as being so much more civilized than here!
i hope your wood is good and wet so they can't burn it!

[Tuckervill]

Doc, next time an angry parent gets upset about playing time (or anything!), offer them the team. They always back down when we do that. "Well, you know, I'm planning on going on vacation next week, and I would love it if you could step in while I'm gone!" :D

Remember that you are a VOLUNTEER and you don't have to do this and you will only do it for your own reasons and with your own methods and not with theirs. I take comfort in the fact that I can always quit. I can walk away just like they do every time they drop off their little darling without having fed her before practice.

Of course, I never will, but it helps me to know that I can.

Thanks for being a coach. As a person who helps a few overworked guys run a Cal Ripken baseball league for 400 kids, I am grateful for people like you.

Karen

[doc]

Doc, next time an angry parent gets upset about playing time (or anything!), offer them the team. They always back down when we do that. "Well, you know, I'm planning on going on vacation next week, and I would love it if you could step in while I'm gone!" :D

Remember that you are a VOLUNTEER and you don't have to do this and you will only do it for your own reasons and with your own methods and not with theirs. I take comfort in the fact that I can always quit. I can walk away just like they do every time they drop off their little darling without having fed her before practice.

Of course, I never will, but it helps me to know that I can.

Thanks for being a coach. As a person who helps a few overworked guys run a Cal Ripken baseball league for 400 kids, I am grateful for people like you.

Karen

Thanks :) That's all it takes to make a person feel good all day!

[Thistle]

I can see it now:

House for sale $350,000

If you have 1 son who drums, $300,000

If you have 2 or more sons who are enthusiastic drummers, $240,000

home visit required for approval

DH thought this was wonderful :D Suggested we could supply enough drum kits for the number of children who will be living in the house as part of the sale agreement :)